# Dear Rubbertramp



## Rubbertramp (Nov 26, 2011)

:idea:As suggested on another thread I've decided to to become this site's agony aunt....or is it uncle? Anyway please feel free to ask me about your personal problems. I feel I may be expert at relationship counseling :heart:..having had many failed relationships in the past. Bodily funtions I particularly specialise in.... having had a lifetime's experience in trumping and the successful deliveries of No 1's and No 2's in all manner of places.:rolleyes2:
I will do my best to offer a ridiculous and unbalanced point of view.
All replies will, of course be strictly confidential (smirk)

Yours in anticipation
Rubbertramp

PS I know next to nothing about Motorhomes....except that I've got one and it works.


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## kimbowbill (Nov 26, 2011)

*boyfriend problems*

Dear rubbertramp

I'm not sure what my boyfriend wants from me, we have been together now for 6 months, we met online 6 months ago, we had never met in the flesh until last week, the thing is, i wasn't totally honest with him about......  how i look, i sent him a photo of a beautiful young lady but he said it wouldnt matter if i looked like ten tonne tessa, he would still love me, (i am currently 20 stone) we continued to chat and fell in love, anyway, he lives in South Africa, he is a very wealthy man but has had a few problems lately so i sent him some money, he will pay me back, i trust him, i keep digressing, anyway he has come here to marry me, because he loves me you know. 

I came home the other night and there was a very slim young lady in my house, she had got suspenders and stockings on, thigh length boots, and was holding a whip, my BF was laid on the floor naked, of course i wasnt happy but he said he had fell asleep on the floor and i had woke him up, she said she was in the wrong house, made her appologies and went, well i trust him, that was ok. The next night i came in from working a 12 hour shift and there were two women in the house, dressed very similar, they made their excuses and ran off,  i think he is dropping hints dont you?, i think he wants me to dress up like that, what do you think? please help, do you know of any xxxxxxxxllllllll shops that might stock this type of clothing? 

Ps, he is insisting he doesn't want me to wear them , but i know he is embarrassed and really does, because he loves me plz help


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 26, 2011)

basildog said:


> You would be about as much good as an agony aunt as a chocolate firegaurd !!!!! lmao



Dear Basildog
I'm sorry that my expertise doesn't cover the problems you are experiencing with your Swift Motorhome's cloaking device. Please see "Motorhome Knowledge Base" in the forum tab at the top of the page.


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 26, 2011)

kimbowbill said:


> Dear rubbertramp
> 
> I'm not sure what my boyfriend wants from me, we have been together now for 6 months, we met online 6 months ago, we had never met in the flesh until last week, the thing is, i wasn't totally honest with him about......  how i look, i sent him a photo of a beautiful young lady but he said it wouldnt matter if i looked like ten tonne tessa, he would still love me, (i am currently 20 stone) we continued to chat and fell in love, anyway, he lives in South Africa, he is a very wealthy man but has had a few problems lately so i sent him some money, he will pay me back, i trust him, i keep digressing, anyway he has come here to marry me, because he loves me you know.
> 
> ...



Dear Kimbowbill
I am certain that you have here a very firm base for a long term loving relationship. Don't worry about the money you lent him....If he was Nigerian then you might need to fret a bit....I have known many South Africans in my time and none of them have short changed me at the bar.
 Similarly, you have no need to worry about the scantily clad young ladies regularly frequenting your home. This is quite normal. They are attending to his needs in their own special way...as you fulfill his needs in your own special way....you can cook, can't you?
If you really do want to dress-up for him I would highly reccommend Millets or Go Outdoors for their wide range of canvas camping gear...if you get my drift?
Good luck..I've a feeling you might need it!


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## kimbowbill (Nov 27, 2011)

Rubbertramp said:


> Dear Kimbowbill
> I am certain that you have here a very firm base for a long term loving relationship. Don't worry about the money you lent him....If he was Nigerian then you might need to fret a bit....I have known many South Africans in my time and none of them have short changed me at the bar.
> Similarly, you have no need to worry about the scantily clad young ladies regularly frequenting your home. This is quite normal. They are attending to his needs in their own special way...as you fulfill his needs in your own special way....you can cook, can't you?
> If you really do want to dress-up for him I would highly reccommend Millets or Go Outdoors for their wide range of canvas camping gear...if you get my drift?
> Good luck..I've a feeling you might need it!



you have found your vocation RT


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## Admin (Nov 27, 2011)

I have moved your...... "Column" to the travellers rest.


BTW I have seen KBB and she really is 20 stone!


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## Beemer (Nov 27, 2011)

*Dear RT*

Dear RT
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. 
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs. 
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering Her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her. 
My problem is this: 
Shall I tell Her about my brother who works at Microsoft?


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## Deleted member 3802 (Nov 27, 2011)

dear doctor latex
       i find this a little embarrassing but my problem is i have always had regular bowel movements !! 6am every morning on the dot like a flock of starlings hitting the bowl whoosh :rolleyes2: don't get me wrong i am still the same now,but i don't get up till 7.30am:scared:


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## Basil (Nov 27, 2011)

Rubbertramp said:


> :idea:As suggested on another thread I've decided to to become this site's agony aunt....or is it uncle? Anyway please feel free to ask me about your personal problems. I feel I may be expert at relationship counseling :heart:.Bodily funtions I particularly specialise in.... having had a lifetime's experience in trumping and the successful deliveries of No 1's and No 2's in all manner of places.:rolleyes2:
> Yours in anticipation
> Rubbertramp



Dear Rubbertramp,I have a problem pooing after I have raided the chicken hut.... The Kentucky cardboard boxes get stuck.... Sometimes the bones get stuck in my tummy and hurt when I run around while chasing my mate with the intention of mounting her.... Then to top it all.... after I have had my not so evil way.... my fur gets sticky....
To make matters worse, the feathers tickle my throat and when they go up my nose, they make me sneeze.... and my eyes water....
Can you help me....?


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## jamesmarshall (Nov 27, 2011)

Dear rubbertramp,
My partner, Jackie, said she is leaving me if I don't improve. She said I'm lazy, feckless, untrustworthy and I do nothing around the house. She said I am slovenly, dirty and have some disgusting habits. She told me she stopped ironing my clothes a month ago and That I hadn't even noticed.
What is ironing?
Jim


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## donkey too (Nov 27, 2011)

Rubbertramp said:


> :idea:As suggested on another thread I've decided to to become this site's agony aunt....or is it uncle? Anyway please feel free to ask me about your personal problems. I feel I may be expert at relationship counseling :heart:..having had many failed relationships. Bodily funtions I particularly specialise in.... having had a lifetime's experience in trumping and the successful deliveries of No 1's and No 2's in all manner of places.:rolleyes2:
> I will do my best to offer a ridiculous and unbalanced point of view.
> 
> Yours in anticipation
> ...



I recon I could be your assistant.:lol-053: Having had 5 wives and a few shorter engagements.


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## runnach (Nov 27, 2011)

Dear RT, 

I never got my dilemma published in the SUN so hopefully you can help / assist;

During the War, I escaped from Singapore via the sewerage systems I had the advantage of being a little over 5 ft in height.

However upon my escape I met a Japanese soldier who was fed up and making his way back to Japan to see his wife and children .

Interestingly despite the language barriers,, we didnt attempt to kill each other indeed sat and shared a sandwich 


My question is this ...Should I try to re contact him ? or;;;;;;;;;;;;;; weree we just two nips passing in the Shyte ?
Channa


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

Phil said:


> I have moved your...... "Column" to the travellers rest.
> 
> 
> BTW I have seen KBB and she really is 20 stone!



OK..Sorry Phil...must have been the Blossom Hill!


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## Deleted member 13543 (Nov 27, 2011)

Beemer said:


> Dear RT
> I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
> My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
> Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering Her illegitimate child to death.
> ...



Dear Beemer,

I sympathise with your problem, as I have a brother who does work for Ginsters Pasties.  This is NOT something to admit to when you live in Cornwall, unless you want to find yourself on the wrong side of the Tamar, so I am sorry to say I pretend to be an only child. 

I would strongly suggest you do the same, as the knowledge you have a brother who works for Microsoft could ruin the relationship.  There are some things that cannot be admitted to, and this is one of them.  I think you are very brave to "come out" on the forum like you have.  Perhaps if you told Bill Gates your brother was a mole for Apple and Linux, he would get the sack, and you would no longer have the problem??

KP x x


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## Deleted member 13543 (Nov 27, 2011)

Dear RT,

I have a problem of my own, and I am sure I am not alone in this! I am convinced that the length of the sheets on a toilet roll is getting SHORTER??  There may apparently be MORE of them on the roll, but when I go to tear off my usual 2 sheets, I find myself in the 2 1/2 sheet region. This leaves me with the dilemna of using an extra sheet, or going short. I am uncertain what to do; should I go for 2 or 3?? Or mayb behave like a TRUE Wildcamper, and switch to dock leaves??

Yours desparately,

KP x x

(An early answer would be appreciated otherwise I shall be stuck in the toilet for ages, wondering which to go for!!


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

Beemer said:


> Dear RT
> I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
> My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
> Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering Her illegitimate child to death.
> ...



Dear Beemer
 I must say that you seem to have led a rather dull life thus far. Under no circumstance tell your girlfriend about your brother's connection to Microsoft. This organisation has a terrible reputation for fueling the awful addictions to "information technology".... to use the street term....that we see in our society today. Be very careful! Other slang terms used within this disgraceful gang include "website", "virtual" "online" and "mouse". If you use these words in everyday conversation you are very likely to expose the shame that your brother has brought to your family.
"Online" is a very violent community and is to be avoided at all costs. In fact I know of one "website" where members innocently ask each other advice about various issues then end up asking everyone out to the carpark for a mass brawl!
I wish you all the best in your future relationship and hope that the insanity doesn't turn out to be hereditary.


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## David & Ann (Nov 27, 2011)

kernowprickles said:


> Dear Beemer,
> 
> I sympathise with your problem, as I have a brother who does work for Ginsters Pasties.  This is NOT something to admit to when you live in Cornwall, unless you want to find yourself on the wrong side of the Tamar, so I am sorry to say I pretend to be an only child.
> 
> ...



Now I am confused. Who is the Agony Aunt KP? Is it RT or you? Or was you filling in while RT had the day off. (Now that I know what an Agony Aunt is, I am putting in my 2 bits☺☺☺)


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## barryd (Nov 27, 2011)

Dear Rubber Tramp

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my Motorhome!  Do you think the RAC might be a better bet?


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## David & Ann (Nov 27, 2011)

Hi RT, I think KP is trying to railroad for your job. I would charge her for your advice.☺☺☺


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

Old_Arthur said:


> dear doctor latex
> i find this a little embarrassing but my problem is i have always had regular bowel movements !! 6am every morning on the dot like a flock of starlings hitting the bowl whoosh :rolleyes2: don't get me wrong i am still the same now,but i don't get up till 7.30am:scared:



Dear Arthur
I can entirely relate to this problem you have with Starlings. I myself have suffered from this problem and it does seem to get worse at this time of year as the autumn arrives and native flocks are joined by many southern European spieces. I'm afraid there is very little you can do to alleviate this condition. Cut down on the Old Speckled Hen perhaps?
Concerning your slack bowel movement during unconciousness I would recommend a course of pelvic floor exercises. This can increase control of the muscles in that area and allow you to clench more effectively....even while you are asleep! A pleasantly surprising side effect of these exercises can be an emormously improved sex life. I have provided a link which you may find helpful.

Pelvic floor exercises


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## David & Ann (Nov 27, 2011)

Rubbertramp said:


> Dear Arthur
> I can entirely relate to this problem you have with Starlings. I myself have suffered from this problem and it does seem to get worse at this time of year as the autumn arrives and native flocks are joined by many southern European spieces. I'm afraid there is very little you can do to alleviate this condition. Cut down on the Old Speckled Hen perhaps?
> Concerning your slack bowel movement during unconciousness I would recommend a course of pelvic floor exercises. This can increase control of the muscles in that area and allow you to clench more effectively....even while you are asleep! A pleasantly surprising side effect of these exercises can be an emormously improved sex life. I have provided a link which you may find helpful.
> 
> Pelvic floor exercises




RT, Just Brilliant☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺ The NHS would really love to employ you. Cameron, take note, this man needs employment as he is a great asset to GB☺☺☺


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## David & Ann (Nov 27, 2011)

There are 10070 Members on WC. Seems like I am the only one without a problem, at the moment. Atleast i know where to come.


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

Basil said:


> Dear Rubbertramp,I have a problem pooing after I have raided the chicken hut.... The Kentucky cardboard boxes get stuck.... Sometimes the bones get stuck in my tummy and hurt when I run around while chasing my mate with the intention of mounting her.... Then to top it all.... after I have had my not so evil way.... my fur gets sticky....
> To make matters worse, the feathers tickle my throat and when they go up my nose, they make me sneeze.... and my eyes water....
> Can you help me....?



Dear Basil
It is obvious to me that the solution to your problem lies in the personal hygene habits of a certain Mr Derek....or whoever seems to have his arm stuck up your rectum these days. As a personal friend of mine, I know David Nixon would never have allowed himself to become contaminated in such a way. I can indeed vouch for that as he often used to try out his magic tricks on me before performing them on stage....Pulling the rabbit out of the....... hat?....Oh dear! I have been a fool haven't I?
BOOM BOOM!


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## Deleted member 13543 (Nov 27, 2011)

Dear RT,

I am STILL here on the loo, wondering whether to go for 2 sheets or three??  Derek keeps banging on the door, and appears to be getting desperate, so an answer at your earliest convenience would be much appreciated!!

KP x x


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## David & Ann (Nov 27, 2011)

kernowprickles said:


> Dear RT,
> 
> I am STILL here on the loo, wondering whether to go for 2 sheets or three??  Derek keeps banging on the door, and appears to be getting desperate, so an answer at your earliest convenience would be much appreciated!!
> 
> KP x x



KP, May i jump onto the band wagon. If you don't get a reply from RT by the time you finish, do as the Indians do, use a bowl of water. Make sure you use your left hand as you need the right hand to eat. ☺☺☺


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## Deleted member 13543 (Nov 27, 2011)

David & Ann said:


> KP, May i jump onto the band wagon. If you don't get a reply from RT by the time you finish, do as the Indians do, use a bowl of water. Make sure you use your left hand as you need the right hand to eat. ☺☺☺



Thanks for that, David and Ann, but as I can't tell right from left, this could lead to unfortunate consequences, depending on what I was eating!!! Looks like I shall just have to wait for RT's reply. I wish he would hurry up, as Derek has started howling outside the toilet door, and I have read MMM from cover to cover 3 times already!!

KP x x


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## David & Ann (Nov 27, 2011)

kernowprickles said:


> Thanks for that, David and Ann, but as I can't tell right from left, this could lead to unfortunate consequences, depending on what I was eating!!! Looks like I shall just have to wait for RT's reply. I wish he would hurry up, as Derek has started howling outside the toilet door, and I have read MMM from cover to cover 3 times already!!
> 
> KP x x



Use your MMM in case of emergency. RT's gone to lunch, wont be back for a couple of hours ( setting like cement comes to mind ☺☺☺)


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

jamesmarshall said:


> Dear rubbertramp,
> My partner, Jackie, said she is leaving me if I don't improve. She said I'm lazy, feckless, untrustworthy and I do nothing around the house. She said I am slovenly, dirty and have some disgusting habits. She told me she stopped ironing my clothes a month ago and That I hadn't even noticed.
> What is ironing?
> Jim



Dear Jim
I believe that "ironing" is an activity performed by blacksmiths and other metalworkers to help them in their chosen occupation.
My opinion is that your partner is just making an empty threat. If I were you I would call her bluff. Being lazy, feckless and untrusworthy is what men do. It is completely normal behavior for our gender, just as ironing, hoovering, talking and shopping for shoes is completely normal for the female of the species and is to be expected. I have included a link which Jackie may find helpful to make her conventional lifestyle a bit more exiting.

Extreme Ironing - YouTube


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

channa said:


> Dear RT,
> 
> I never got my dilemma published in the SUN so hopefully you can help / assist;
> 
> ...



Dear Channa
This dilemma of yours is obviously far too intellectual for publication in a rag like The Sun. I'm no expert on matters journalistic as I had my brain poisoned some years ago whilst reading the Hitler diaries serialised in the then recently Rupert Murdoch acquired Times newspaper. If you really wanted your problem to be tackled by the tabloid press my advice to you would be to provide your mobile phone number in a covering letter when you write to them. Then change the PIN number that you use to access your answerphone messages to something easily remembered for a gutter press hack....like 1234 or 3333? This will guarantee publication. You could even end up being on TV as a star witness to the Leveson Inquiry.

PS are you the one who is putting up all those height barriers?....I think we should be told


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## bopper (Nov 27, 2011)

My friend 'Harry' (Who is a farmer). Has had a very strong letter from the Department of Work and Pensions saying that they have good reason to believe that he is paying his workers less than the minimum wage. He has replied to them and stated that his farm hand gets £250 per week and a rent free cottage. He also stated that the housekeeper has a wage of £200 per week and full board and lodgings. But there's a half wit who only gets £25 per week a few pints of beer and now and again sleeps with his missus. They have now asked to interview the half wit..... should he own up it's him?


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

kernowprickles said:


> Dear RT,
> 
> I have a problem of my own, and I am sure I am not alone in this! I am convinced that the length of the sheets on a toilet roll is getting SHORTER??  There may apparently be MORE of them on the roll, but when I go to tear off my usual 2 sheets, I find myself in the 2 1/2 sheet region. This leaves me with the dilemna of using an extra sheet, or going short. I am uncertain what to do; should I go for 2 or 3?? Or mayb behave like a TRUE Wildcamper, and switch to dock leaves??
> 
> ...



Dear KP
Two sheets!....good grief...how on earth do you keep your hands clean? Being one who is determined never to wash one's hands after a number 2....a habit I had thrashed into me as a child.....I have to use at least fifteen. It goes completely against the grain (and that's the beauty of it!) but if you are really determined to wean yourself off this extra sheet I would recommend using Izal medicated loo paper as an aid..... but, be warned! Using Izal can be painful....
... but quite pleasant in certain circumstances....I remember looking forward to visits to my grandparent's when I was a child, my sisters and I suffered terribly from worms and rubbing with our Nan's Izal would be a terrific relief!
 Start off by employing four or five sheets scrunched up into a ball to vigourously rub the contaminated region. As said, this will cause extreme pain but the next time you come to use this torture you will be happy to use one sheet less and so on until the desired number of leaves are reached. If your bowel movements are regular you should be back to two sheets in no time at all.

PS As a dedicated wild camper I do indeed use dock leaves...but it is important not to confuse the Dock with the very similar Wild Horseradish...it can be a little shall we say......well Johnny Cash recorded a song about it.

Izal Medicated Strong Toilet Paper Reviews - Household Products | dooyoo.co.uk


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

bopper said:


> My friend 'Harry' (Who is a farmer). Has had a very strong letter from the Department of Work and Pensions saying that they have good reason to believe that he is paying his workers less than the minimum wage. He has replied to them and stated that his farm hand gets £250 per week and a rent free cottage. He also stated that the housekeeper has a wage of £200 per week and full board and lodgings. But there's a half wit who only gets £25 per week a few pints of beer and now and again sleeps with his missus. They have now asked to interview the half wit..... should he own up it's him?



Dear Bopper
...or is it Harry?...don't worry, your secret is safe with me. I'm not an expert on employment law but I do know that many government depatrments are staffed by incompetent buffoons, or half wits as you yourself might like to call them. Is your "friend" a dairy farmer? If so, one way around this problem may be to get him to increase his milk quota by purchasing extra land. In doing this he can easily divert the extra income into the half wit's pocket via cash inside a plain brown envelope or some such. This should bump up his salary to the minimum wage and you...sorry, the farmer.... could then write to the Dept of Work and Pensions to inform them that all is now well and he no longer needs their help. Such a letter will confuse them enormously, so much so that it will be placed in the pending tray never to see the light of day for at least another 25 years. Harry could then carry on as normal and even use his extra income for a few more pints!

CC HM Revenue and Customs......for training purposes only.


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## MOS (Nov 27, 2011)

Dear RT 
Thank heavens you have started this thread ,now i have somone to share my hopes and fears with .
My question is should i or shouldent i ,will i regret it if i do ,will i regret it more if i dont ,if i do and it goes wrong can i rewind to a point thay it got out of hand ,or will that just create friction between us ,if i dont do it will i be letting my petty predjudices rule my life ,doing it could meen i am hooked into a cycle of habbitualy doing it for the rest of my life and so changing my whole outlook towards it ,not doing it would undoubtably keep it as a special thaught which i can think about in times of woe ,its not fair that such hard decisions should be thrust upon us ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Oh bu**er it ime going to do it i dont care what the neighbours say ,i dont care that the eco system will suffer ,But should i find somewhere to do it thats nice and warm or should i be brave and do it outside for all to see in the freezing wind and risk the chill on my delicate flesh .
the turmoil is ruining my sunday afternoon ,please help me RT its not an easy time for me what with the remote broken and only half a bottle of beer left by my chair:help:

sod it no ime not doing it it will spoil it forever ,it will be just another rutine thing in my dull boring life that has no mystrey left .its the only thing that sets me apart from the other folks around here ,and its the only bit of my life that i can decide for myself 

Help RT tell me weather to wash the camper or not !!


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

MOS said:


> Dear RT
> Thank heavens you have started this thread ,now i have somone to share my hopes and fears with .
> My question is should i or shouldent i ,will i regret it if i do ,will i regret it more if i dont ,if i do and it goes wrong can i rewind to a point thay it got out of hand ,or will that just create friction between us ,if i dont do it will i be letting my petty predjudices rule my life ,doing it could meen i am hooked into a cycle of habbitualy doing it for the rest of my life and so changing my whole outlook towards it ,not doing it would undoubtably keep it as a special thaught which i can think about in times of woe ,its not fair that such hard decisions should be thrust upon us ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
> 
> ...



Dear MOS
Calm down dear! Now finish off the rest of that beer, light yourself a spliff and just relax.
As said in the original post I know next to nothing about campers and even less about washing. Indulging in a new activity such as washing your camper can result in it becoming an obsession though. So beware! You may end up becoming like this man......    Car Washing & Drying using 2 Bucket Method - Car Care Products - YouTube ..... and having to eventually seek medical treatment through a course of drugs, surgery or even worse, rehab treatment!:scared:
My advice would be to let nature take its course and leave your camper dirty.... it may even make mine look nice if it's ever parked close by. If human beings were meant to keep themselves clean we would instinctively be licking each other with our tongues all of the time, just like cats do.....Which reminds me.....Here pussy pussy.....


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

barryd said:


> Dear Rubber Tramp
> 
> Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my Motorhome!  Do you think the RAC might be a better bet?



Dear Barry
Whatever you do, don't touch the RAC with a barge-pole. They provide something called "breakdown cover". I've suffered many breakdowns in my life and covering them up is something you definitely DO NOT want to do. Talk it over with a friend or loved one, even better, share your worries with people who have suffered in a similar way. Join a self help group, get it all out in the open....I promise you ...you are not going crazy.
My personal preference would for sure be the "roadshide ashishtance":cheers: provided by the AA....

PS shorry I couldn get back tchya earlier....I wasghh on a fallout....hic...oopsh..I mean a callout!


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## ourglenard (Nov 27, 2011)

Dear Auntie RT;
My problem is this:- I was gonna bring ALCOHOL to the 'Henge Meet next W/E but after reading this thread, I've realised that plain ol' booze will be WAY in-sufficient for you lot!!!!!!
HELP!!! What do I bring instead? Ethanol? Horse Tranquillisers?... Please help as I don't want to look like a 'Lightweight'!..........


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 27, 2011)

ourglenard said:


> Dear Auntie RT;
> My problem is this:- I was gonna bring ALCOHOL to the 'Henge Meet next W/E but after reading this thread, I've realised that plain ol' booze will be WAY in-sufficient for you lot!!!!!!
> HELP!!! What do I bring instead? Ethanol? Horse Tranquillisers?... Please help as I don't want to look like a 'Lightweight'!..........



Dear Glen
Yes yes yes!! Please bring all of the above. The tranquillisers are only for my Ned though, you understand?...He gets a bit exited at the thought of being so close to a World Heritage Site. I'd bring some myself, only since I.....I mean Ned started biting the vet....well he won't give me any more.
I remember many years ago during my RAF days we would be camped out in the Black Forest in Germany for three weeks at a time processing all the aerial photography for our Harrier squadron. To relieve the boredom sometimes we used to sneak out some of the Methylated spirit used to dry the film. It was laced with coke.....or was the coke laced with Meths? Must have been the former or I would have remembered! It would be nice if you could bring some of that too.

PS I believe Firefox will have some whisky.....now that's what I call lightweight!


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## kimbowbill (Nov 27, 2011)

Phil said:


> I have moved your...... "Column" to the travellers rest.
> 
> 
> BTW I have seen KBB and she really is 20 stone!



Just a stone below you Phil lol


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## Admin (Nov 27, 2011)

kimbowbill said:


> Just a stone below you Phil lol



No 3 stone below 

But you are lovely (for an escort)


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## kimbowbill (Nov 27, 2011)

Phil said:


> No 3 stone below
> 
> But you are lovely (for an escort)



:lol-049:, innit great to have a good laugh with each other, :wacko:


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## Deleted member 5759 (Nov 27, 2011)

I am a motorhome dealer, is there any hope for me?:juggle:

Peter


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## jamesmarshall (Nov 27, 2011)

Rubbertramp said:


> Dear Jim
> I believe that "ironing" is an activity performed by blacksmiths and other metalworkers to help them in their chosen occupation.
> My opinion is that your partner is just making an empty threat. If I were you I would call her bluff. Being lazy, feckless and untrusworthy is what men do. It is completely normal behavior for our gender, just as ironing, hoovering, talking and shopping for shoes is completely normal for the female of the species and is to be expected. I have included a link which Jackie may find helpful to make her conventional lifestyle a bit more exiting.
> 
> Extreme Ironing - YouTube



Now I understand. My lass was going out beating metal and banging anvils and things and I hadn't noticed. My respect for her has gone through the roof. I wonder if she can do welding.......
Jim


----------



## Admin (Nov 27, 2011)

kimbowbill said:


> :lol-049:, innit great to have a good laugh with each other, :wacko:



Yes light hearted fun is.............GOOD

Threatening to kill each other..... BAD

Anyway KBB I know you can take it


----------



## kimbowbill (Nov 27, 2011)

Phil said:


> Yes light hearted fun is.............GOOD
> 
> Threatening to kill each other..... BAD
> 
> Anyway KBB I know you can take it



yep, sure can, especially now we have Rubbertramp as our agony uncle, a shoulder an all that, lol:banana:


----------



## runnach (Nov 27, 2011)

credit to Rt , some very witty and clever responses to our collective gaggles questions.

If there is a thread that keeps you engaged on this forum this is it ...good humour, I havent  laughed so much for ages.

Not a handbag in sight ............A good example of what we are about, not criticising others for what they find comfortable, Just lighthearted fun 

Well done Rt your sense of humour is right up my street;...long may it continue 

Btw did I share my problem with you re my ....pm time lol 
Channa


----------



## Deleted member 13543 (Nov 27, 2011)

I'd like to second that, Channa; today has been brilliant, and I haven't had a such a laugh for ages!! Rubbertramp, please give up plastering and take this Agony Aunt thing up for a living, you are FABULOUS at it!!

KP x x x


----------



## kimbowbill (Nov 27, 2011)

kernowprickles said:


> I'd like to second that, Channa; today has been brilliant, and I haven't had a such a laugh for ages!! Rubbertramp, please give up plastering and take this Agony Aunt thing up for a living, you are FABULOUS at it!!
> 
> KP x x x



And this is how the site should be, FUN, FUN, FUN, the majority of us have a great sense of humour and we should keep focused on that and enjoy what a great facilty Phil provides for us nutters :lol-053:


----------



## Deleted member 5759 (Nov 27, 2011)

Could not agree more, just proves that heavy handed PC moderators are not needed like on another forum that I could name who have nothing better to do than interfere with members.

Mind you it is run purely for commercial purposes where everything costs money unlike WildCamping

Pete


----------



## Deleted member 13543 (Nov 27, 2011)

***** said:


> Peter, I think that it served you well over the years and not really very nice to hear you knocking another forum. Both are good in their own ways.
> Yes it is commercial, but you also are and here to promote your business. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
> Please lets not get into forum bashing, please



PLEEEEEEEASE, let's not get into bashing ANYTHING!! Today has been lovely, unlike other days, with peace and good humour prevailing!  Keep up the good work!!


----------



## runnach (Nov 27, 2011)

Having spent 25 years in the retail motor trade, I feel qualified to share my thoughts.

It is true that Peter possibly is using the site as a source of customers ...(I would ) 

But what you need to understand is a lot of folk in the industry arent bright enough to think outside the box....

He has instigated a discount for members here on accessories etc taking away the need to haggle unless one must ....in Yorks a foregone conclusion 

He has also contributed re problems with no resulting pounds in his pocket , Just good advice

Sadly , I dont have the dosh to change my motorhome but in respect of Peter , yes someone on face value I could do business with.

I have no connection with John Cross Motorhomes whatsoever in fact never dealt with them .....but I see a guy who seems professional and cares.

Having lead sales teams I assure you this is a rare commodity

Sorry Peter if you are blushing , and my intention is deffo not to blow wind where the sun doesnt shine ...but  I think the site is a far better place with you here than without ....

Channa


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## oldish hippy (Nov 27, 2011)

ok here goes been trying to post this most of the night (not through connection ptrblem or site issues) thanks RT  for doing this thread it has helped made my day brighter than normal 



thanks to the other posters as well made good day slightly  brighter did try turning on the light but tha t led me to thinking am i turning on the light or am i switching off the darkness so is dark normal or is light normal same as chicken and egg


----------



## runnach (Nov 27, 2011)

***** said:


> Peter, I think that it served you well over the years and better not to hear you knocking another forum. Both are good in their own ways.
> Yes it is commercial, but you also are and here to promote your business. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
> Please lets not get into forum bashing, please



***** maybe I am naive ... I didnt see any other forum bashing ?

If there was no names ...?????? so I am going daft .

Just because Peter works for a company affiliated to our collective pastime surely doesnt render him unable to express an opinion ?? whether you  I agree or not ? 

I will share something, I hate censorship.

If the bloke has an agenda to attract business so what ? ....but I see nothing so far to render the fella  some kind of lepper 


Channa


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## runnach (Nov 27, 2011)

I think you have just been served an ace.:cool1:

Thanks for the pm but I think you have worked out I treat people with respect until they cross me;; I dont do the ganging up gig ... I am really not interested in tit tat 

channa


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 28, 2011)

JohnsCrossMotorHomes said:


> I am a motorhome dealer, is there any hope for me?:juggle:
> 
> Peter



Dear Peter
Please don't despair. There comes a time in everyone's life where standing at the (Johns) cross roads (geddit?)  and taking an alternative direction seems to be the way to go. These days "dealers" get nothing but a bad press. Phrases like "would you buy a used car off this man?", "AK-47....couple 'undred sovs to you guv!", and "ere, want some e's mate" just confirm to us what untrustworthy people they can be. 
Now if you really want to reform your character but not your vocation I think you should consider a less harmful way of peddling your wares. A motorhome is a very dangerous and exciting toy to own. Let's face it, who can resist bombing down a country lane at 90 miles an hour with two tons of sheet metal and three week old turds behind them...I know I can't!
Why don't you open a sweet shop? Or one of those nice soft sofa warehouses with all the shouty people that you see on the telly every bank holiday weekend? At least you wouldn't be responsible for all those hundreds of injuries caused by motorhomes every year....and so what if a few little children lose their teeth at least they will grow new ones.
Good luck in your future venture Peter.....I'll have a quarter of Everton Mints please.


----------



## Rubbertramp (Nov 28, 2011)

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement....I am thoroughly enjoying myself!.....And, if I didn't know some of you better I'd swear that you were making it all up!


----------



## runnach (Nov 28, 2011)

***** said:


> Channa, you seem to want to make an issue of this.
> I told you in  a pm that post 49 was a dig at Facts
> Although you did not know at the time it was and still is a dig and having a go at another forum.
> In my opinion, others like you may disagree but not very profisional for a reputable dealer which I strongly believe Peter is, should be doing.
> ...



make an issue issue of what ? 

As you correctly state, I wasnt aware of a dig at Motorhomefacts ..

But seeing as I dont and never have frequented that forum I really dont give a monkies what people think or say about it savvy ? 

In respect of Peters professionalism  which you question I will let him answer; If he feels the need to which I doubt.

 I never glossed anything you did I couldnt because I wasnt aware of the facts.

My reference to being crossed is quite simple, I show total respect for others until they are disrespectful and yes I can give it back ..;honesty  not a threat ...

I am seriously at a loss as to why you found it necessary to PM when all is revealed in the open,  Other than perhaps you have some kind of agenda going off ...in which case elsewhere pal ...I really dont want to participate in pms ganging ups etc ... I DO NOT and WILL NOT be part of site politics and furthermore ...with respect I decide whom I have contact and banter with ..Savvy ? 

Channa


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 28, 2011)

channa said:


> Btw did I share my problem with you re my ....pm time lol
> Channa



pm time? That's the afternoon isn't it? I'm free at 4!


----------



## Admin (Nov 28, 2011)

fftopic:

back to topic please or the nasty admin will be sending people to the naughty corner for a time out, one minute for every year of their lives. ( my wife informs me this is the correct amount of time)


----------



## Admin (Nov 28, 2011)

***** said:


> I'm only 21, will Mrs Phill come into the corner with me:lol-053:  it gets mighty cold and I need to keep warm:fun::fun:



I am a nasty admin but I would never sentence anyone to 21 minutes alone with Tes, nope not that cruel


----------



## kimbowbill (Nov 28, 2011)

Phil said:


> fftopic:
> 
> back to topic please or the nasty admin will be sending people to the naughty corner for a time out, one minute for every year of their lives. ( my wife informs me this is the correct amount of time)



Phil

I'm more than happy to loan Henry out to put with anyone in the naughty corner, think they will think twice about misbehaving dont you? lol and i'm sure Henry will have great fun


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## JoMutch (Nov 28, 2011)

You want to try traveling with a dingo, never any problem with security :tongue:


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## Deleted member 3802 (Nov 28, 2011)

fftopic: best thread for weeks :idea-007: spoiled


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## donkey too (Nov 28, 2011)

JoMutch said:


> You want to try traveling with a dingo, never any problem with security :tongue:



I dont think Jenny has any bother with security having Henry around.

Also I think Henry would eat a dingo and ask for seconds:lol-049:


----------



## kimbowbill (Nov 28, 2011)

donkey too said:


> I dont think Jenny has any bother with security having Henry around.
> 
> Also I think Henry would eat a dingo and ask for seconds:lol-049:



Henry has now gained another stone in weight, he is even bigger, lol, even tho he's had his nuts off lol xx


----------



## Rubbertramp (Nov 28, 2011)

***** said:


> Dear Rubbertramp, apart from selling my body (not as anybody would want it) how can I make £1000000 this week



Dear *****
Back in 2008 I wrote to the then Chancellor of the Exchequer, one Mr Alistair....darling....so sorry, didn't mean to be so informal. Anyway, here is an extract from that letter;

Dear sir,
I have a gambling problem...you see I like to bet on the horses. Up to now I have made a healthy profit but recently have had to endure a long losing streak. This has, as you can imagine left me with some very large debts.
I woke up this morning at the usual 5.19 am and while I was listening to the shipping forecast and having a good scratch I had the most marvellous brainwave.
The government, I thought, is doling out billions of pounds in bale-out cash to the ailing banking industry because they too have hit a long losing run.
Now my question is; if you could spare me just one tiny itsy-bitsy fraction of that amount, say £1 million till the end of the week, then this will, I'm 100% sure, be enough to see out my own bad luck. I would be happy to pay interset on this loan at the bank base rate.
Yours etc.

Well would you believe it..... I had a cheque by return of post! I told a few friends about this and they told a few friends and so-on and so-on and guess what.....yes you guessed it, they all received cheques in the post, one million each!....now you know where all the rest of that taxpayers' money went! 
Now you could try this with the current Chancellor but he's a Conservative and I think that means they like to conserve their money.
But :goodluck: anyway.

PS I think medical science only pays twenty five quid for your body these days.


----------



## Rubbertramp (Nov 28, 2011)

***** said:


> Phil, you had better watch out that Tes doesn't read your post otherwise it may be?
> 
> Dear Rubbertramp, how do I get rid of a black eye and how can I pursuade my wife to give me nookie:lol-049::raofl::banana::wacko:



Dear *****
My, you do have a few problems don't you?
In these enlightened times all eyes are looked upon with equality. It is no longer acceptable to refer to them by their colour. White,black, red, blue or yellow, they must all be treated and accepted on our faces just the same as we cherish those little hairs that grow out of our noses and ears. You must learn to be more tolerant. If you find this difficult then I'm told a raw steak or a packet of (not black-eyed) frozen peas will do the trick.

With regard to your other question; I have phoned Roger de Courcey as he is a personal friend and he says that he is not prepared to sell Nookie to your wife...Sorry but as a consolation here's a link 

Dailymotion - Nookie Bear & Roger DeCourcey - a Funny video   ....Now you can have Nookie any time you like!


----------



## Rubbertramp (Nov 28, 2011)

oldish hippy said:


> ok here goes been trying to post this most of the night (not through connection ptrblem or site issues) thanks RT  for doing this thread it has helped made my day brighter than normal
> 
> 
> 
> thanks to the other posters as well made good day slightly  brighter did try turning on the light but tha t led me to thinking am i turning on the light or am i switching off the darkness so is dark normal or is light normal same as chicken and egg



Dear Hippy
Your question is far too deep man! Try posing it in another way....maybe along the lines of "Would you like to swing on a star? Carry moonbeams home in a jar? And be better off than you are? Or would you rather be a chicken or an egg?
Edwina Currie once said "Most of the egg production in this country, sadly, is now affected with salmonella"....That's rich, I remember thinking at the time, coming from one whose surname is another bowel-busting foodstuff! A chap called Colonel Sanders was said to have had a divine revelation while fasting in the Nevada desert......":idea: Chicken!!" he is said to have exclaimed....Anyway it's very, very dark out now and my brain hurts but I promise I'll have a good think and get back to you if I can shed some light on your dilemma.
Peace!


----------



## oldish hippy (Nov 28, 2011)

Rubbertramp said:


> Dear Hippy
> Your question is far too deep man! Try posing it in another way....maybe along the lines of "Would you like to swing on a star? Carry moonbeams home in a jar? And be better off than you are? Or would you rather be a chicken or an egg?
> Edwina Currie once said "Most of the egg production in this country, sadly, is now affected with salmonella"....That's rich, I remember thinking at the time, coming from one whose surname is another bowel-busting foodstuff! A chap called Colonel Sanders was said to have had a divine revelation while fasting in the Nevada desert......":idea: Chicken!!" he is said to have exclaimed....Anyway it's very, very dark out now and my brain hurts but I promise I'll have a good think and get back to you if I can shed some light on your dilemma.
> Peace!


 


or maybe shed some dark on it when you turn on the dark
oh by the way miss milleis is just up the road  colenel sander is a bit further  away (miss millies chicken shop like kfc~) so it was you blocking my drivewway when you went to miss millies


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## Mothman (Nov 29, 2011)

PMSL well done Rubbertramp
Now thats a LOVELY LOVELY looking doggy lol


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## Admin (Nov 29, 2011)

:mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2::mad2:

Come on!

This is not an adult site! 

A bit of clever adult humor is fine but* links to sites selling sex toys?*

Please Please be considerate to other members.

There is no problem with having some fun, but please think about the damage you are doing to this site.


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## Rubbertramp (Nov 29, 2011)

Phil, There were no sexually explicit images on that link that I could see....just pieces of plastic.....Sorry but I thought we were all adults here, obviously not.... it was a bit of fun!  Unlike some of the vitriol and threats of violence I have had to witness on some threads over the last two weeks. I would say that more damage was caused by those posts.
 That said, it won't happen again.


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## Admin (Nov 29, 2011)

Rubbertramp said:


> Phil, There were no sexually explicit images on that link that I could see....just pieces of plastic



Shaped like erect penises



Rubbertramp said:


> Sorry but I thought we were all adults here, obviously not



This is a family rated site, and this was too much.



Rubbertramp said:


> it was a bit of fun!



I agree it was a bit of fun and no harm was ment, but just thinking if the post may offend before posting it may have been a good idea.



Rubbertramp said:


> Unlike some of the vitriol and threats of violence I have had to witness on some threads over the last two weeks. I would say that more damage was caused by those posts.



Posts have been deleted and members have been banned and others warned.

I cannot please everyone all the time, but I try.


----------



## Rubbertramp (Nov 30, 2011)

Dear Bopper
Rubbertramp is on holiday citing stress as a reason.....He keeps commenting on how dark it is outside and moonbeams and how his brain hurts a lot.
Between you and me I think he is having a bit of a sulk as someone in the office told him off for sneaking a look at an Ann Summers catalogue,
I have forwarded your farming related problem to;

Mr Brian Aldridge
Home Farm
Ambridge
Borcetshire
BL51 HTT

Yours 
O. Winfrey (Mrs)
Secretary


----------



## Admin (Nov 30, 2011)

*** Sighs ***


----------



## runnach (Nov 30, 2011)

Rubbertramp said:


> Dear Bopper
> Rubbertramp is on holiday citing stress as a reason..



I hope you have recovered from your stress problem, I suspect dealing with the collective issues of miscreants here can provide a challenge.

But before you retire, I hope you can assist me as it seems I have a deep rooted problem and I dont know who to turn to.

You see my camper is infested with young ladies, I have a little Aussie minx by the name of Keelee ? no Kylie Minogue thats is pestering all the time.

I showered this morning because it is the last day of the month....Pulled back the curtain and there was Shirley Bassey singing something about a 'coldfinger' 

All this  I can cope with but apparently I have girls aloud around tonight for a spot of supper, So I decided to make time and prepare, Lo and behold open the cupboard draw and Amanda Holden is sat there smiling ............. I darent open the glove box what should I do ? 

Channa


----------



## David & Ann (Nov 30, 2011)

channa said:


> I hope you have recovered from your stress problem, I suspect dealing with the collective issues of miscreants here can provide a challenge.
> 
> But before you retire, I hope you can assist me as it seems I have a deep rooted problem and I dont know who to turn to.
> 
> ...



Rubbertramp has requested through me, any further posts to be sent by e-mail to him. His e-mail address is rtpyscologist@terrestrialmars.universal1.com


----------



## Firefox (Nov 30, 2011)

Personally, I thought RT's link was completely harmless. 

However, I do know that if one hosts Google ads, or indeed other types of ads on a blog/forum, they get completely anal about any links on the same page to "adult content" and threaten to delete your adsense account etc. It has to be seen to be believed!! For Google's definition of adult content, refer to mega-prude and the standards of late Victorian England.

The fact that Google itself links to really hardcore porn while hosting adsense on the same page proves there is one law for some and another for the rest.

Which reminds me... 

Dear Rubbertramp

Recently I fitted a new tablecloth in my van which leaves some of the table leg exposed. I have had complaints that this borders on indecency of the worst kind and the matter may have to be reported to the authorities. Is it too late to get a longer tablecloth, or will my chasteness be forever compromised by my wickedness?


----------



## John H (Nov 30, 2011)

Phil said:


> Posts have been deleted and members have been banned and others warned.



I wondered where he'd gone (and you may be interested to know that on another forum he's added you to his list of "communists" who are out to get him) but can I put in yet another plea against bannings and deletions. I can perhaps best demonstrate why by referring to Nick Griffin (and I am not trying to compare anyone here with him; merely using him as a high profile example) who was given the time and space to tie himself in knots on "Question Time" and who has been on a downward spiral ever since. 

As for this particvular thread, I, like many others, have been greatly amused by it (well done RT) and have found absolutely nothing in it offensive. But even if I had, then I would say that the free speech argument outweighs any offence caused (within the confines of the law, of course). After all, anyone liable to be offended by something has the option not to look at it. 

I know you and I have different ideas over this, but I felt I had to make the point again.


----------



## runnach (Nov 30, 2011)

***** said:


> maybe Rubbertramp is on strike:sad:



It seems so, but things are getting desperate  Girls Aloud are due here within the hour, and apparently  have Bananarama in tow too ............I seriously feel a take away coming on 


And Kylie lil Aussie Minx ...all I am getting out of her is  ' I should be so lucky',,, and her pal Vicky and the spice lasses are paying  avisit tomoorow :rolleyes2:

Even Léon Le Hound is looking at me for some kind of answer ...What can I say ?

We are off down town I will persuade everyone to partake in spare ribs a few doggy bags keeps him quiet ...

Crikey Bridgit Bardot knocking at the door know with a dozen cats ....OMG had a peek she has her Mate Ursula Andress too ...

I just hope no show from Felicity Kendall ....

Rt I can see this going flips sid ebig style .HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP 

Channa:banana:




Channa


----------



## runnach (Nov 30, 2011)

*****;154410
Some of those women are a bit long in the tooth:scared::lol-053:
Even our favourite Demi Moor is getting on a bit now:shag:
I hope that Rubbertramp can sort you out[/QUOTE said:
			
		

> Tbh ***** I darent open the cutlery draw ...something tells me Demi ...or half a moor as I call her may well be lurking.
> 
> Girls aloud have arrived already ...sneaky shower :lol-053:...and leave em to it ..;i am off to a local hostelry to collect bones for Léon and to partake in their fair no doubt the resident Kylie will tell all in the morning
> 
> ...


----------



## Mothman (Dec 1, 2011)

Hi Guys ive just caught up with this thred,,,,, Where is Rubbertramp???????? i liked him i thought he injected some good humour into this site & brightened things up!!!!!!!!! its made me think strongly about what i post humour wise in the future ie what to write as not to offend anyone in anyway,, in what context ect ect,,,,, do i joke in an adult way to adults in my usual way that adults only will understand?????????? beacause thats all ive ever done in my posts,,,,or now just be boring and not evan mention Poo bit miffed now,,, come back Rubbertramp PLEASE

Mothman,,


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## donkey too (Dec 1, 2011)

Dear Aunty RT My Ex wife keeps turning up 4 times now in the 4 years since I got rid of her.
Again yeasterday the farmer was plowing the field behind my house and I recognised bits of clothing that were being turned up by the plough. What can I do as this is worrying?


----------



## bopper (Dec 1, 2011)

Phil said:


> Posts have been deleted and members have been banned and others warned.
> 
> I cannot please everyone all the time, but I try.



Seems like I have been banned as well because my mate Harry the farmer's problems down on the farm got swept off the site as well!!!!


----------



## Mothman (Dec 1, 2011)

Hi Bopper i must of missed your post on that,,, what was that post about then?? why would it have been removed???

Mothman,,


----------



## David & Ann (Dec 1, 2011)

Or maybe Phil has removed Rubbertramp from the site. If not, does anyone in WC live near him. please pop in and see if he is okay. Perhaps he is lying on his sofa p....d out of his head wondering why he took on the job of advising us Nutters on how to retreive our sanity.


----------



## donkey too (Dec 1, 2011)

David & Ann said:


> Or maybe Phil has removed Rubbertramp from the site. If not, does anyone in WC live near him. please pop in and see if he is okay. Perhaps he is lying on his sofa p....d out of his head wondering why he took on the job of advising us Nutters on how to retreive our sanity.



He will be working but you can get a live audiance with him at The Stones this week end so I hear:lol-053:


----------



## donkey too (Dec 1, 2011)

Rubbertramp said:


> Dear Bopper
> Rubbertramp is on holiday citing stress as a reason.....He keeps commenting on how dark it is outside and moonbeams and how his brain hurts a lot.
> Between you and me I think he is having a bit of a sulk as someone in the office told him off for sneaking a look at an Ann Summers catalogue,
> I have forwarded your farming related problem to;
> ...



I've told you before RT, Stop listening to the voices. They are meant for me not you.:banana::mad1:


----------



## bopper (Dec 1, 2011)

Mothman said:


> Hi Bopper i must of missed your post on that,,, what was that post about then?? why would it have been removed???
> 
> Mothman,,



It was part two of Harry the farmers troubles.  Don't know why it was taken off but he's gone off somewhere, something about sheep.


----------



## Mothman (Dec 1, 2011)

Hi ok shame it was removed i would of liked to of read that, cheers

Mothman,



bopper said:


> It was part two of Harry the farmers troubles.  Don't know why it was taken off but he's gone off somewhere, something about sheep.


----------



## kimbowbill (Dec 1, 2011)

RT is fine, he will be around later xx


----------



## Deleted member 13543 (Dec 3, 2011)

kimbowbill said:


> RT is fine, he will be around later xx



WHEN?? I am missing him dreadfully, and can feel all sorts of problems coming on!! Last Sunday was wonderful, I haven't laughed so much for ages!! PLEEEASE, Rubbertramp come back, we miss you!!

KP x xx


----------



## runnach (Dec 3, 2011)

kernowprickles said:


> WHEN?? I am missing him dreadfully, and can feel all sorts of problems coming on!! Last Sunday was wonderful, I haven't laughed so much for ages!! PLEEEASE, Rubbertramp come back, we miss you!!
> 
> KP x xx



Yes Rt She deffo has problems, young Hunky style blokes distracting her attention.

It concerns me, Next thing total diregard to a good bacon butty and cup of tea simply due to distraction.

Btw I dont feel the situation has become grave enough Rt for me to post semi clad enough to make em all run ..The American fellas too ....But KP is in need of help.

And if we dont help our own who wil 

Love Channa


----------



## Rubbertramp (Dec 4, 2011)

channa said:


> I hope you have recovered from your stress problem, I suspect dealing with the collective issues of miscreants here can provide a challenge.
> 
> But before you retire, I hope you can assist me as it seems I have a deep rooted problem and I dont know who to turn to.
> 
> ...


Dear Channa
Rodent infestation is a common problem among motorhome owners. Mousey minxes and dusky welsh divas being among the more toublesome species but can be easily dealt with by employing a trail of tasty titbits and a fourteen pound sledgehammer as depicted in this instructional video
Tom and Jerry: Chuck Jones Collection - YouTube
The female Clamorous Shrew however, is exteremely difficult to get rid of. They hunt in packs of five and they will, as you put it "come round for supper", eat everything in your cupboards (including the sweet Amanda) and defy all your attempts at keeping them at bay. I'm told that there is only one pest exterminator in the whole of the UK who is able to deal with these nuisances and I believe he owns a shotgun. I have included his name and telephone number below;
Mr S Cowell
0901 6161601
Good luck
PS If the Shrews don't get to Amanda first  I think you're in there!:tongue:


----------



## Rubbertramp (Dec 4, 2011)

Firefox said:


> Dear Rubbertramp
> 
> Recently I fitted a new tablecloth in my van which leaves some of the table leg exposed. I have had complaints that this borders on indecency of the worst kind and the matter may have to be reported to the authorities. Is it too late to get a longer tablecloth, or will my chasteness be forever compromised by my wickedness?



Dear Firefox
I had the privilege of seeing your new tablecloth this weekend whilst attending the Motorhomers' Abstinence Society's AGM at Stonehenge and I know you don't mind me saying how fetching you....I mean IT...looked. I do strongly disapprove however, of the attire being flaunted by the young lady I found in your company as I was saying goodbye. Being wrapped up from head to toe may be all very well for some sections of our society and certain weather conditions but surely some sort of skimpy outfit...... say, for instance a bikini would have been more appropriate for the balmy temperatures we experienced on Sunday? 

PS If you don't get a move on your chaseness will never be compromised by your catchiness!


----------



## Rubbertramp (Dec 4, 2011)

donkey too said:


> Dear Aunty RT My Ex wife keeps turning up 4 times now in the 4 years since I got rid of her.
> Again yeasterday the farmer was plowing the field behind my house and I recognised bits of clothing that were being turned up by the plough. What can I do as this is worrying?



Dear Donkey
Archeology is the study of human culture throughout history and knowing some of yours it is not surprising that your neighbouring farmer has unearthed some of your ex-wife's artifacts....what a harrowing experience it must have been for him.
I remember you confiding to me once of your tremendous guilt that not one but six ex-wives were forced to go "underground" (as you put it) on various adjoining farms. Don't worry though, our correspondence remains strictly between ourselves
I'm afraid, my friend, that I haven't the foggiest idea of how you can solve your problem but fret-ye-not I have forwarded your letter to a dear friend of mine who, having had a terrific track record in detective work is, I believe, the top man for the job;

The Chief Constable
Suffolk Constabulary
Police Headquarters
Martlesham Heath
Ipswich
Suffolk
IP5 3QS
Expect a helping hand to knock on your door any day now!


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## donkey too (Dec 4, 2011)

Well I can only say one thing to you RT. That is: You weren't gone long but Bugger we missed you.

I just bought a new (kind of) van mate so shall soon have it on the road and be back along side of you.


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## Deleted member 13543 (Dec 4, 2011)

Dear RT,

I have a problem with my husband.  When I try to snuggle up close to him in the bed at night, he has a sneaky method of repelling boarders......he lets fly with a a very unpleasant, erm, emmission of flatulence! (I hope this does not cause offence to anyone, as it certainly does to me!)

He is immune to the effects as he is wearing the mask of his mu....oops, breathing machine, but I am forced to roll out of bed and take refuge in the garden until it has cleared.  This is, of course an absolute death blow to my romantic advances.

Please can you advise me how to bring romance back into my marriage, as it is currently being asphyxiated!!

Yours desperately,

KP x x x

(So good to have you back, RT!!)


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## Mothman (Dec 5, 2011)

Welcome back Mr Rubbertramp:dance:

Mothman,,


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## donkey too (Dec 5, 2011)

kernowprickles said:


> Dear RT,
> 
> I have a problem with my husband.  When I try to snuggle up close to him in the bed at night, he has a sneaky method of repelling boarders......he lets fly with a a very unpleasant, erm, emmission of flatulence! (I hope this does not cause offence to anyone, as it certainly does to me!)
> 
> ...



The secret of a good marriage is plenty of sex.................
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
''''''''''''''''''''''''''
'''''''''''
''''
With as many different partners as possible.


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## David & Ann (Dec 5, 2011)

donkey too said:


> The secret of a good marriage is plenty of sex.................
> '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> ...



I think Kp is shattered that is why we haven't seen her on here for the last few hours. I think she has had four presents from the "Santa" posts already and is resting. No need to advise her on what makes a good marriage. It is US who need to follow her example. Wakey, Wakey, KP, the world is spinning and you need to keep up. Have a rest between Christmas and New Year. ☺☺☺☺☺


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## Deleted member 13543 (Dec 5, 2011)

Yes, I AM feeling a little shattered after the last prezzie from Santa, and am beginning to feel that maybe World Peace is a preferable option as a Christmas prezzie!!  Meanwhile, I still have the "Greenhouse" Gas problem with my lawful (or should that be AWFUL??) wedded husband, and am no closer to a solution.  Please don't suggest a cork in the offending orifice, as I tried that last night, and now have a lovely black eye to show for it!!







KP x x x


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## David & Ann (Dec 5, 2011)

kernowprickles said:


> Yes, I AM feeling a little shattered after the last prezzie from Santa, and am beginning to feel that maybe World Peace is a preferable option as a Christmas prezzie!!  Meanwhile, I still have the "Greenhouse" Gas problem with my lawful (or should that be AWFUL??) wedded husband, and am no closer to a solution.  Please don't suggest a cork in the offending orifice, as I tried that last night, and now have a lovely black eye to show for it!!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Must have been a real rough and tumble KP. When are we going to see the other shiner? You sure have stamina.☺☺☺☺☺


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## Deleted member 13543 (Dec 5, 2011)

Fortunately, there is only one black eye, as I did not repeat the mistake of inserting corks where the sun wasn't shining!  (It was really down to a sadistic eye surgeon when I had my second cataract done!!)

Does anyone know a source of gas masks, or scuba diving gear?? (This may be the ultimate solution, I think!!)  

Hopefully RT will come up with something soon, before our neighbourhood is declared a disaster area!

KP x x x


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## Rubbertramp (Dec 5, 2011)

kernowprickles said:


> Dear RT,
> 
> I have a problem with my husband.  When I try to snuggle up close to him in the bed at night, he has a sneaky method of repelling boarders......he lets fly with a a very unpleasant, erm, emmission of flatulence! (I hope this does not cause offence to anyone, as it certainly does to me!)
> 
> ...


Dear KP
May I suggest that it is possible that you may be coming at your husband from the wrong direction, as it were?
Many men are too embarrassed to talk even to their spouses about sexual matters. Forgive me for being presumptive here but I gather that the phrase "repelling boarders" does not refer to any pirates in Penzance. Are you usually the dominant partner during lovemaking? 
It is almost certain that your beloved's gastric emissions are a cry for help. What he is really pleading is "For goodness sake woman get off and let me take a turn on top!" Many other mammal species employ the same tactic;  Skunks, for instance have anal scent glands which give off a nasty odour. It is plain to see that the message to a prospective mate here is......."Hey! Don't even think about going there!...or as Monsieur Pepe le Pew would say "Descendre mes fesses" and most varieties of toad emit a foul smelling acid from within warts on their backs... ever noticed how toads mate? I rest my case m'lud.

PS In the unlikley event that I have not got my facts straight then the official advice from the Royal Society of Gastroenterologists is "Lay off the pork and pickle sandwiches"


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## ourglenard (Dec 5, 2011)

Dear Auntie RT;
My Life was looking problem-free after experiencing a strange, mystical...almost religous event at the weekend... However, since arriving back in Blighty, My aged Father has been on the phone complaining of bad leg cramps caused by someone saying that an expedition to collect firewood was '...only about 1/2 mile..'   He's now asking Me to sort out this 'someone'! 
However, as I've now renounced violence & all known forms of human vice following My Epiphany at the W/E, I'm unable to help My Dad...........Any advice?
Yours, Upanishad Bananarama (formerly the earthly ourglenard)


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## oldish hippy (Dec 6, 2011)

kernowprickles said:


> Dear RT,
> 
> I have a problem with my husband.  When I try to snuggle up close to him in the bed at night, he has a sneaky method of repelling boarders......he lets fly with a a very unpleasant, erm, emmission of flatulence! (I hope this does not cause offence to anyone, as it certainly does to me!)
> 
> ...




see your problem,  do have solution for it ,well have found the answer to your question 

ps sorrry rt not wishing to tread on you and your great font of knowledge


try this h**p://www.shreddiesgifts.com/giftware/


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## Deleted member 13543 (Dec 6, 2011)

*Problem SOLVED!!*



oldish hippy said:


> see your problem,  do have solution for it ,well have found the answer to your question
> 
> ps sorrry rt not wishing to tread on you and your great font of knowledge
> 
> ...



Thank you SO much, Oldish Hippy, you may have saved my marriage!!  I have ordered 8, one for each day, and a spare one in case of "follow throughs"!! MY HERO!! :bow::bow::bow:

KP X X X

:shag: ing happily ever after!!


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## ourglenard (Dec 6, 2011)

May I be permitted to share My Weekend's Epiphany with You well-meaning but un-enlightened Souls?...

T'was in the company of another Seeker, from far overseas, We were but groping our way thru' the Darkness,  when.....Lo! A Great Light did shine upon Us & We did hear the Word of the Mighty Ing-Her, as delivered by His Earthly Messenger Rent Agoon.....
'Yootoourtresspassingonhisturicmon'ment
Weelcallthupuleecen'yoolgettafynuvfreefousandpounds
Leevnowthwayyoocaymin'

Hanging Our Heads in recognision of our Transgression, My fellow Pilgrim & I were instantly enlightened with the One True Word of Ing-Her, the Holy Son of the Mother Nat-Trus, & didst continue upon Our Way when.......Lo! (Again!) We were tempted by the appearance of the Evil Baz, who did cause Us to fall to the Earth, in a Vain attempt to move from the Light of Ing-Her & the All-Seeing Eye of His Messenger.

Rent Agoon did then break the Evil Baz's influence upon Us by reciting His Words of Power:-
'Itznoyoosyoolyingther
Weernotgoingenywhare!
Leevnowthwayyoocaymin!'

Thus was the Evil Spell broken....! We HAVE seen the Light & no more shall We transgress the ways of Ing-Her.....We forsake the Bonds of Earthly 'Freedom' & thus shall We remain His Servants, bending to His Infinite Wisdom!

Yours In the Light, Upanisad Bananarama


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## Rubbertramp (Dec 6, 2011)

ourglenard said:


> Dear Auntie RT;
> My Life was looking problem-free after experiencing a strange, mystical...almost religous event at the weekend... However, since arriving back in Blighty, My aged Father has been on the phone complaining of bad leg cramps caused by someone saying that an expedition to collect firewood was '...only about 1/2 mile..'   He's now asking Me to sort out this 'someone'!
> However, as I've now renounced violence & all known forms of human vice following My Epiphany at the W/E, I'm unable to help My Dad...........Any advice?
> Yours, Upanishad Bananarama (formerly the earthly ourglenard)



Dear Upanishad
The mystical event you refer to was, as you are aware, the Motorhomer's Abstinence Society's annual general meeting at Stonehenge. The MAS differs greatly from most similar organisations in that we promise to abstain from diplomacy, sobriety, chastity and using campsites . It did not go unnoticed that your contribution to the weekend's events was, to put it politely, a bit lame. Despite a promise in our earlier correspondence of the delivery of methylated spirit, ethanol and horse tranquilisers, your donation came in the form of two bottles of Phillipino Rum.... hardly a beverage to get a man slurring his speech or dancing naked around the campfire. 
In renouncing the opportunity of a good old fisticuffs you have obviously grabbed the wrong end of the stick in regard to the society's aims.... Did you miss the naked mud wresting? The assasination of the English Heritage security guards? 
Under our constitution you may indeed feel free to "sort out" whoever misled your father.....it wasn't me was it?

PS I have passed on your letter to the society's secretary who is conducting a review of your membership


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## ourglenard (Dec 11, 2011)

...I deffo missed the Assassination of the EH Security Muppets! Whoever C/O the 'Hit' could 've timed it better!.....ie BEFORE they'd shoved their Halogen Torches in Me Face!!!!


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## Rubbertramp (Dec 31, 2011)

oldish hippy said:


> ok here goes been trying to post this most of the night (not through connection ptrblem or site issues) thanks RT  for doing this thread it has helped made my day brighter than normal
> 
> 
> 
> thanks to the other posters as well made good day slightly  brighter did try turning on the light but tha t led me to thinking am i turning on the light or am i switching off the darkness so is dark normal or is light normal same as chicken and egg





			
				Rubbertramp; said:
			
		

> Anyway it's very, very dark out now and my brain hurts but I promise I'll have a good think and get back to you if I can shed some light on your dilemma.
> Peace!



Dear Hippy (oldish)
As promised, I've had a good think and here I am getting back to you to shed light...nay, illuminate with a billion halogen lamps!....the answer to your problem.
Having spent the last forty days and forty nights in the wilderness that is a Caravan Cub CL on a farm in deepest darkest Oxfordshire, I have indeed had the light shine on me too.
It's so simple man!....The chicken always comes first! This unequivocal conclusion was reached after much scientific experiment, conducted both day and night, in the mud, rain, freezing temperatures and...yes I know.....amongst CARAVANS!! ( How I suffered )
Firstly it was necessary to stealthily creep about the barns and steal the farm chicken's eggs while they were out and about scratching in the yard. 
Then at the starting gate (which was by the elsan point near the outside toilet) when the hens came trotting by I would release the egg! Over a variety of courses ranging from two to twenty metres, well.... the chicken always came first! Even on the downhill course the egg ran completely out of momentum and usually ended up a shattered wreck amongst the grass.:egg: Needless to say, I have subsisted on a diet of mainly omlettes for the last six weeks and the farmer's wife says I owe her two hundred pounds for her loss of income! I did offer to pay her in kind but she said that unoeuf is unoeuf and that no amount of my amourous advances would compensate.
Anyway, there you have it....the answer to the ultimate question of Life, The Universe and Everything!... not Forty Two...as Douglas Adams would have us believe!

PS I have devised a cunning experiment in order to finally lay to rest the Dark/Light dilemma. It involves two thousand bars of Milky Way and Old Jamaica Chocolates....watch this space!


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## oldish hippy (Jan 1, 2012)

well that no good to me as idairy and lactose intolerant i still say you switch on the darkness and turn off the light


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## donkey too (Jan 1, 2012)

[COLOR="#FF0000"]H A P P Y      N E W      Y E A R[/COLOR]

To a great bloke who is also a fair cook (when he's not trying to poison himself) And nearly as sane as myself. (sometimes)
Thanks for all the contributions you made to last year. (laughs, hangovers, Jokes both good and bad, etc., etc)
And may they keep coming for many years.

All the best RT. See you very soon I hope.

Bruce


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## Mothman (Jan 18, 2012)

Dear Rubbertramp today i was shown a video on youtube of a man dressed as a woman:tongue: now all im thinking about is this strange but rather exciting male form, his legs where amazing his sexy dancing made my heart go BOOM BOOM BOOM! he is a man in his 50s is he too old for me,,,am i on the turn do you think? or is it beacause i feel i know him as he has been around me for a few days strutting his stuff flexing his muscles i think he wants me too?as he keeps asking me to clean his bucket out!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW WHAT HE REALLY MEANS Mmmmmmmmm hot sexy man in a wig Oooooooo how my heart sings out for this drag act kinda gone wrong am i wrong to Love him?

thank you Rubbery man X


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## oldish hippy (Jan 18, 2012)

well  at least learnt one thing isafe around mothman cause i over 50 lol


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## Rubbertramp (Jan 18, 2012)

Mothman said:


> Dear Rubbertramp today i was shown a video on youtube of a man dressed as a woman:tongue: now all im thinking about is this strange but rather exciting male form, his legs where amazing his sexy dancing made my heart go BOOM BOOM BOOM! he is a man in his 50s is he too old for me,,,am i on the turn do you think? or is it beacause i feel i know him as he has been around me for a few days strutting his stuff flexing his muscles i think he wants me too?as he keeps asking me to clean his bucket out!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW WHAT HE REALLY MEANS Mmmmmmmmm hot sexy man in a wig Oooooooo how my heart sings out for this drag act kinda gone wrong am i wrong to Love him?
> 
> thank you Rubbery man X



Dear Mothman
I see from your address that you live in the great big metropolis that is Birmingham, and therein lies your problem I'm afraid. It's not that there is anything wrong with Brum in itself... I'm sure it is a fine city. Your difficulty, I think, lies with your basic misunderstanding of the English language.
I'm told this is a common problem among fluent Yam-Yam speakers and one that often gets them into trouble. When this man was saying "Particularly nasty weather" to you he was not asking you to tickle his arse with a feather! Just as when you ask him if "Yo win a kipper tie?" the last thing he is expecting is a cup of tea. 

My advice to you would be to embark on a short course in elocution, forget the drag queens and carry on loving your wonderful family.

Warm up exercises: for elocution, accent reduction, public speaking - YouTube

PS Drag queens are well known sexual deviants and pose great danger to vulnerable forty-something men such as yourself. They can lurk anywhere and at any time...why, there may even be one camped outside your house at this very moment. So beware!


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## oldish hippy (Jan 19, 2012)

dearest rt 

why cant i find my whos awake post i have tried using six inch nail sky hokks to hold of it and spend a few hour on here looking for it by the time i find it it iis to late to see whos awake as it is my bedtime do you think i should give up looking or perserve with the fruitless search as i think it floated off into the ether


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## Mothman (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi Oldish hippy beware of the Mothballs,,, i might learn to love the older man:heart::heart::heart: lol


Mothballs,,,,,,,,



oldish hippy said:


> well  at least learnt one thing isafe around mothman cause i over 50 lol


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## Mothman (Jan 19, 2012)

Oooooooo hello My Dearest Rubery one thank you for your reply,, i think i must of got the wrong end of this mans big Stick then  he has been so nice to me too,,, i think you may be right i have been talkin all dat bad ass gheto style brummy talk to him and ive been getting strang answers back,,,,,,,,,, ive really embarassed myself i mean i have been flirting with him wildly & all along he has been either knowingly leading me a merry dance or he does infact like me too:heart::heart::heart: Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dam this hearbreak of mine oh the pain of it all im such a flipping Yam Yam fool dont you know!!!!!!!!! so none of his man love for me then Doh!!!!!!!!!!!! Goodbye my lovely workman GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh ps that man that has been camped out front of my house seems a strange one for sure,, you know he comes to work wearing womens tights,,,, he says its a old builders trick to keep his legs warm,, but he came just in tights no trousers just tights:scared: raving if you ask me:mad1:

This was him day 1 he caught his tights on a nail:tongue:








Mothman,,,,,


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## oldish hippy (Jan 19, 2012)

i know the area you live in quite well yam have to beware of the black country cowboys on the wumpty if yow not carefull uyl end up at steelhouse


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## donkey too (Jan 19, 2012)

Dear Rubber thingy,

Sokeone told me that sex between two people is called a twosome, and sex involving three people is a threesome. So why do they say you are handsome?:lol-053::lol-053::lol-053::lol-053:


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## Rubbertramp (Jan 20, 2012)

oldish hippy said:


> dearest rt
> 
> why cant i find my whos awake post i have tried using six inch nail sky hokks to hold of it and spend a few hour on here looking for it by the time i find it it iis to late to see whos awake as it is my bedtime do you think i should give up looking or perserve with the fruitless search as i think it floated off into the ether


 
Dear Oldish
Many people who suffer with insomnia.... or "irregular bedtime habits" as some like to call it.....do so without the knowledge that a simple change in routine can make all the difference to a night's snoozification.
It is obvious to me that not lying on a bed of six inch nails suspended from sky hooks is a good place to start. Get rid of the nails man! Perhaps you could better employ the sky hooks by suspending a hammock from them.
Regular physical exercise is said to be a great aid to sleep so I am going to suggest an addition to your night-time routine....I find that a good old-fashioned rub down, preferably with a proficient lubricant such as Castrol's high temperature bearing and axle grease, performed alone for five minutes at hourly intervals during the evening works wonders. This exercise can be pulled off with a partner, of course but in my experience this cuts the exertion time right down to twenty seconds.....not nearly enough for a good night's sleep. Cleaning your rifle in this way comes highly reccommended by Donkey Too, TV's Timmy Mallet and other well known insomniacs.

Happy Zeds man!
Peace and Love!


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## Mothman (Jan 20, 2012)

PMSL 1st class respond:lol-053:



Rubbertramp said:


> Dear Oldish
> Many people who suffer with insomnia.... or "irregular bedtime habits" as some like to call it.....do so without the knowledge that a simple change in routine can make all the difference to a night's snoozification.
> It is obvious to me that not lying on a bed of six inch nails suspended from sky hooks is a good place to start. Get rid of the nails man! Perhaps you could better employ the sky hooks by suspending a hammock from them.
> Regular physical exercise is said to be a great aid to sleep so I am going to suggest an addition to your night-time routine....I find that a good old-fashioned rub down preferably with a proficient lubricant such as Castrol's high temperature bearing and axle grease, performed alone for five minutes at hourly intervals during the evening works wonders. This exercise can be pulled off with a partner, of course but in my experience this cuts the exertion time right down to twenty seconds.....not nearly enough for a good night's sleep. Cleaning your rifle in this way comes highly reccommended by Donkey Too, TV's Timmy Mallet and other well known insomniacs.
> ...


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## oldish hippy (Jan 20, 2012)

now need to find some one to give me a rub down  NOT YOU MOTHMAN BEFORE YOU JUMP IN lol


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## Mothman (Jan 21, 2012)

Oh Please! please! please! can i rub you down!!!!! i will be gentle with you i promise



oldish hippy said:


> now need to find some one to give me a rub down  NOT YOU MOTHMAN BEFORE YOU JUMP IN lol


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## oldish hippy (Jan 21, 2012)

short explitives spring to mind


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## Mothman (Jan 22, 2012)

Dont worry Oldish hippy im only pulling your leg buddy:banana:

Mothman,,,,



oldish hippy said:


> short explitives spring to mind


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## oldish hippy (Jan 22, 2012)

i gathered as much hence the joke tag on the post which i think you missed


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## Mothman (Jan 22, 2012)

The wife recons im on the turn Lol:wacko::wacko::wacko::wacko:



oldish hippy said:


> i gathered as much hence the joke tag on the post which i think you missed


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## donkey too (Jan 22, 2012)

Mothman said:


> Dont worry Oldish hippy im only pulling your leg buddy:banana:
> 
> Mothman,,,,



Tom Pepper. Jackanory.:lol-049:


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## Mothman (Jan 22, 2012)

Or am i only joking:lol-053::lol-053::lol-053::lol-053:




donkey too said:


> Tom Pepper. Jackanory.:lol-049:


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## oldish hippy (Jan 22, 2012)

through the round window


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## Rubbertramp (Jan 24, 2012)

donkey too said:


> Dear Rubber thingy,
> 
> Sokeone told me that sex between two people is called a twosome, and sex involving three people is a threesome. So why do they say you are handsome?:lol-053::lol-053::lol-053::lol-053:



Dear Donkey......I'll bet they don't call you ee-aw for nothing!

I've been thinking very long and very hard about my....ah-hem...I mean...your... problem. The advantages of committing percy filth with less than one person are many. Unless, of course, if you are left handed and over a certain age. I remember during my schooldays that lefthandedness was vigourously discouraged. Our headmaster "Pop" Evans quite often used to over-see classes and force the pubescent southpaws among us to use our right hands. This would cause much confusion whilst pushing the pencil, especially during the performance of homework tasks.
I suggest that you widen your circle of friends and become a member of one of the many slingers clubs popular with crane drivers and banksmen that are available on the internet these days. After all, they do say "Many hands make light work!"
PS I do believe that there are outdoor versions of these clubs too..... available on Canalsman's POI files.


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## runnach (Jan 24, 2012)

dear rubbery one 

peraps you can help with a problem  never published in the sun:rolleyes2:

i am of small stature,and during ww2 when the japanese occupied singapore i made my escape through the underground sewerage system,

along the way i met a japanese soldier making his way home, we didnt shoot each other indeed shared a sandwich and our respective rations

i often wonder what became of him,did he get home

my question is this, should i contact him or were we just two nips passin in the shyte

channa


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## Wind Dancer (Jan 28, 2012)

Dear Rubbertramp

I met this man on the internet.  He seems like a nice guy, very popular with his friends and he has a good sense of humor.  We have now decided to meet in person and he has arranged to meet me in the woods.
What precautions should I take?  Will a rain jacket be sufficient, or is it true there is snow coming?

Thanks
WD


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## Rubbertramp (Jan 28, 2012)

wind dancer said:


> Dear Rubbertramp
> 
> I met this man on the internet.  He seems like a nice guy, very popular with his friends and he has a good sense of humor.  We have now decided to meet in person and he has arranged to meet me in the woods.
> What precautions should I take?  Will a rain jacket be sufficient, or is it true there is snow coming?
> ...



Dear WD.....are you 40?
Precautions are preventative measures and to my mind are at all times to be thrown to the wind. Who among us have never ever thrown off all of our clothes and run through the woods in the rain and snow singing "Donald Where's Your Troosers"....I know I have!
On a lighter note....nice guys are the worst type of companion to spend a wet day in winter with. He will place his coat strategically across puddles of mud for you to walk on, shower you with compliments, hold open doors for you and insist on paying for lunch. This is not normal behaviour. If however, he speaks to you with grunts or single syllables, picks his nose and scratches his bum a lot while quaffing seven pints of lager...then you have indeed met your perfect man and my advice would be to propose marriage straight away! 

PS If you are truly worried for your safety....many people find that taking along at least three savage dogs helps boost their confidence enormously.


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## oldish hippy (Jan 28, 2012)

just hears on grapevine it was moth man who made that offer could bve wrong but that what i heard lol


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## donkey too (Jan 28, 2012)

Yeh, Moffmans gonna take you muff hunting. Oops I meen moff huntin.:lol-053:


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## Wind Dancer (Jan 29, 2012)

Rubbertramp said:


> Dear WD.....are you 40?
> Precautions are preventative measures and to my mind are at all times to be thrown to the wind. Who among us have never ever thrown off all of our clothes and run through the woods in the rain and snow singing "Donald Where's Your Troosers"....I know I have!
> On a lighter note....nice guys are the worst type of companion to spend a wet day in winter with. He will place his coat strategically across puddles of mud for you to walk on, shower you with compliments, hold open doors for you and insist on paying for lunch. This is not normal behaviour. If however, he speaks to you with grunts or single syllables, picks his nose and scratches his bum a lot while quaffing seven pints of lager...then you have indeed met your perfect man and my advice would be to propose marriage straight away!
> 
> PS If you are truly worried for your safety....many people find that taking along at least three savage dogs helps boost their confidence enormously.



Thanks RT, for your words of wisdom.  Taking your advice with me will be almost as good as having you there as a chaperone.  :bow:


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## Rubbertramp (Feb 2, 2012)

channa said:


> dear rubbery one
> 
> peraps you can help with a problem  never published in the sun:rolleyes2:
> 
> ...



Dear Channa
Deja vu is a phenomenon frequently experienced when encountering small statues. As I was walking past the figure of the Manneken Pis whilst in Brussels the other day I got that warm, wet dreamy feeling that is often associated with this experience and would you believe it.....ended up in a parallel universe! 
I think you'd like it there. It's just like our universe except that the female is the dominant gender. Men in this realm are pretty weak creatures I'm afraid and are unable to complete simple tasks like building sheds or changing wheels on their spouses' cars. The good news, however is that whilst in this other realm....around about twilight one day....I bumped into the Doppelganger of your Japanese soldier friend. His name is Lt. Hiroo Onoda and he told me he remembers you well. After your encounter, his double was posted to the Phillipine island of Lubang where he remained until finally surrendering 29 years after the war ended! He did travel to our universe at some point in the past and he ended up in the UK and got a job in TV ending up on the Benny Hill show for some years.
Benny Hill 5, from England - YouTube

PS ....Lt Onoda also told me that he would very much like to meet you again if only to return that special favour?....I didn't ask him to eraborate.


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## georgert1 (Feb 2, 2012)

*feathers*



Basil said:


> Dear Rubbertramp,I have a problem pooing after I have raided the chicken hut.... The Kentucky cardboard boxes get stuck.... Sometimes the bones get stuck in my tummy and hurt when I run around while chasing my mate with the intention of mounting her.... Then to top it all.... after I have had my not so evil way.... my fur gets sticky....
> To make matters worse, the feathers tickle my throat and when they go up my nose, they make me sneeze.... and my eyes water....
> Can you help me....?



You want   "  plucking ""  my owd .


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