Dear Rubbertramp

[Deleted member 13543]

Yes, I AM feeling a little shattered after the last prezzie from Santa, and am beginning to feel that maybe World Peace is a preferable option as a Christmas prezzie!! Meanwhile, I still have the "Greenhouse" Gas problem with my lawful (or should that be AWFUL??) wedded husband, and am no closer to a solution. Please don't suggest a cork in the offending orifice, as I tried that last night, and now have a lovely black eye to show for it!!

KP x x x

 

[David & Ann]

Yes, I AM feeling a little shattered after the last prezzie from Santa, and am beginning to feel that maybe World Peace is a preferable option as a Christmas prezzie!! Meanwhile, I still have the "Greenhouse" Gas problem with my lawful (or should that be AWFUL??) wedded husband, and am no closer to a solution. Please don't suggest a cork in the offending orifice, as I tried that last night, and now have a lovely black eye to show for it!!

KP x x x

Must have been a real rough and tumble KP. When are we going to see the other shiner? You sure have stamina.☺☺☺☺☺

 

[Deleted member 13543]

Fortunately, there is only one black eye, as I did not repeat the mistake of inserting corks where the sun wasn't shining! (It was really down to a sadistic eye surgeon when I had my second cataract done!!)

Does anyone know a source of gas masks, or scuba diving gear?? (This may be the ultimate solution, I think!!)

Hopefully RT will come up with something soon, before our neighbourhood is declared a disaster area!

KP x x x

 

[Rubbertramp]

Dear RT,

I have a problem with my husband. When I try to snuggle up close to him in the bed at night, he has a sneaky method of repelling boarders......he lets fly with a a very unpleasant, erm, emmission of flatulence! (I hope this does not cause offence to anyone, as it certainly does to me!)

He is immune to the effects as he is wearing the mask of his mu....oops, breathing machine, but I am forced to roll out of bed and take refuge in the garden until it has cleared. This is, of course an absolute death blow to my romantic advances.

Please can you advise me how to bring romance back into my marriage, as it is currently being asphyxiated!!

Yours desperately,

KP x x x

(So good to have you back, RT!!)

Dear KP
May I suggest that it is possible that you may be coming at your husband from the wrong direction, as it were?
Many men are too embarrassed to talk even to their spouses about sexual matters. Forgive me for being presumptive here but I gather that the phrase "repelling boarders" does not refer to any pirates in Penzance. Are you usually the dominant partner during lovemaking?
It is almost certain that your beloved's gastric emissions are a cry for help. What he is really pleading is "For goodness sake woman get off and let me take a turn on top!" Many other mammal species employ the same tactic; Skunks, for instance have anal scent glands which give off a nasty odour. It is plain to see that the message to a prospective mate here is......."Hey! Don't even think about going there!...or as Monsieur Pepe le Pew would say "Descendre mes fesses" and most varieties of toad emit a foul smelling acid from within warts on their backs... ever noticed how toads mate? I rest my case m'lud.

PS In the unlikley event that I have not got my facts straight then the official advice from the Royal Society of Gastroenterologists is "Lay off the pork and pickle sandwiches"

 

[ourglenard]

Dear Auntie RT;
My Life was looking problem-free after experiencing a strange, mystical...almost religous event at the weekend... However, since arriving back in Blighty, My aged Father has been on the phone complaining of bad leg cramps caused by someone saying that an expedition to collect firewood was '...only about 1/2 mile..' He's now asking Me to sort out this 'someone'!
However, as I've now renounced violence & all known forms of human vice following My Epiphany at the W/E, I'm unable to help My Dad...........Any advice?
Yours, Upanishad Bananarama (formerly the earthly ourglenard)

 

[oldish hippy]

Dear RT,

I have a problem with my husband. When I try to snuggle up close to him in the bed at night, he has a sneaky method of repelling boarders......he lets fly with a a very unpleasant, erm, emmission of flatulence! (I hope this does not cause offence to anyone, as it certainly does to me!)

He is immune to the effects as he is wearing the mask of his mu....oops, breathing machine, but I am forced to roll out of bed and take refuge in the garden until it has cleared. This is, of course an absolute death blow to my romantic advances.

Please can you advise me how to bring romance back into my marriage, as it is currently being asphyxiated!!

Yours desperately,

KP x x x

see your problem, do have solution for it ,well have found the answer to your question

ps sorrry rt not wishing to tread on you and your great font of knowledge


try this h**p://www.shreddiesgifts.com/giftware/

 

[Deleted member 13543]

Problem SOLVED!!

see your problem, do have solution for it ,well have found the answer to your question

ps sorrry rt not wishing to tread on you and your great font of knowledge


try this h**p://www.shreddiesgifts.com/giftware/

Thank you SO much, Oldish Hippy, you may have saved my marriage!! I have ordered 8, one for each day, and a spare one in case of "follow throughs"!! MY HERO!! :bow::bow::bow:

KP X X X

:shag: ing happily ever after!!

 

[ourglenard]

May I be permitted to share My Weekend's Epiphany with You well-meaning but un-enlightened Souls?...

T'was in the company of another Seeker, from far overseas, We were but groping our way thru' the Darkness, when.....Lo! A Great Light did shine upon Us & We did hear the Word of the Mighty Ing-Her, as delivered by His Earthly Messenger Rent Agoon.....
'Yootoourtresspassingonhisturicmon'ment
Weelcallthupuleecen'yoolgettafynuvfreefousandpounds
Leevnowthwayyoocaymin'

Hanging Our Heads in recognision of our Transgression, My fellow Pilgrim & I were instantly enlightened with the One True Word of Ing-Her, the Holy Son of the Mother Nat-Trus, & didst continue upon Our Way when.......Lo! (Again!) We were tempted by the appearance of the Evil Baz, who did cause Us to fall to the Earth, in a Vain attempt to move from the Light of Ing-Her & the All-Seeing Eye of His Messenger.

Rent Agoon did then break the Evil Baz's influence upon Us by reciting His Words of Power:-
'Itznoyoosyoolyingther
Weernotgoingenywhare!
Leevnowthwayyoocaymin!'

Thus was the Evil Spell broken....! We HAVE seen the Light & no more shall We transgress the ways of Ing-Her.....We forsake the Bonds of Earthly 'Freedom' & thus shall We remain His Servants, bending to His Infinite Wisdom!

Yours In the Light, Upanisad Bananarama

 

[Rubbertramp]

Dear Auntie RT;
My Life was looking problem-free after experiencing a strange, mystical...almost religous event at the weekend... However, since arriving back in Blighty, My aged Father has been on the phone complaining of bad leg cramps caused by someone saying that an expedition to collect firewood was '...only about 1/2 mile..' He's now asking Me to sort out this 'someone'!
However, as I've now renounced violence & all known forms of human vice following My Epiphany at the W/E, I'm unable to help My Dad...........Any advice?
Yours, Upanishad Bananarama (formerly the earthly ourglenard)

Dear Upanishad
The mystical event you refer to was, as you are aware, the Motorhomer's Abstinence Society's annual general meeting at Stonehenge. The MAS differs greatly from most similar organisations in that we promise to abstain from diplomacy, sobriety, chastity and using campsites . It did not go unnoticed that your contribution to the weekend's events was, to put it politely, a bit lame. Despite a promise in our earlier correspondence of the delivery of methylated spirit, ethanol and horse tranquilisers, your donation came in the form of two bottles of Phillipino Rum.... hardly a beverage to get a man slurring his speech or dancing naked around the campfire.
In renouncing the opportunity of a good old fisticuffs you have obviously grabbed the wrong end of the stick in regard to the society's aims.... Did you miss the naked mud wresting? The assasination of the English Heritage security guards?
Under our constitution you may indeed feel free to "sort out" whoever misled your father.....it wasn't me was it?

PS I have passed on your letter to the society's secretary who is conducting a review of your membership

 

[ourglenard]

...I deffo missed the Assassination of the EH Security Muppets! Whoever C/O the 'Hit' could 've timed it better!.....ie BEFORE they'd shoved their Halogen Torches in Me Face!!!!

 

[Rubbertramp]

ok here goes been trying to post this most of the night (not through connection ptrblem or site issues) thanks RT for doing this thread it has helped made my day brighter than normal



thanks to the other posters as well made good day slightly brighter did try turning on the light but tha t led me to thinking am i turning on the light or am i switching off the darkness so is dark normal or is light normal same as chicken and egg

Anyway it's very, very dark out now and my brain hurts but I promise I'll have a good think and get back to you if I can shed some light on your dilemma.
Peace!

Dear Hippy (oldish)
As promised, I've had a good think and here I am getting back to you to shed light...nay, illuminate with a billion halogen lamps!....the answer to your problem.
Having spent the last forty days and forty nights in the wilderness that is a Caravan Cub CL on a farm in deepest darkest Oxfordshire, I have indeed had the light shine on me too.
It's so simple man!....The chicken always comes first! This unequivocal conclusion was reached after much scientific experiment, conducted both day and night, in the mud, rain, freezing temperatures and...yes I know.....amongst CARAVANS!! ( How I suffered )
Firstly it was necessary to stealthily creep about the barns and steal the farm chicken's eggs while they were out and about scratching in the yard.
Then at the starting gate (which was by the elsan point near the outside toilet) when the hens came trotting by I would release the egg! Over a variety of courses ranging from two to twenty metres, well.... the chicken always came first! Even on the downhill course the egg ran completely out of momentum and usually ended up a shattered wreck amongst the grass.:egg: Needless to say, I have subsisted on a diet of mainly omlettes for the last six weeks and the farmer's wife says I owe her two hundred pounds for her loss of income! I did offer to pay her in kind but she said that unoeuf is unoeuf and that no amount of my amourous advances would compensate.
Anyway, there you have it....the answer to the ultimate question of Life, The Universe and Everything!... not Forty Two...as Douglas Adams would have us believe!

PS I have devised a cunning experiment in order to finally lay to rest the Dark/Light dilemma. It involves two thousand bars of Milky Way and Old Jamaica Chocolates....watch this space!

 

[oldish hippy]

well that no good to me as idairy and lactose intolerant i still say you switch on the darkness and turn off the light

 

[donkey too]

[COLOR="#FF0000"]H A P P Y N E W Y E A R[/COLOR]

To a great bloke who is also a fair cook (when he's not trying to poison himself) And nearly as sane as myself. (sometimes)
Thanks for all the contributions you made to last year. (laughs, hangovers, Jokes both good and bad, etc., etc)
And may they keep coming for many years.

All the best RT. See you very soon I hope.

Bruce

 

[Mothman]

Dear Rubbertramp today i was shown a video on youtube of a man dressed as a woman:tongue: now all im thinking about is this strange but rather exciting male form, his legs where amazing his sexy dancing made my heart go BOOM BOOM BOOM! he is a man in his 50s is he too old for me,,,am i on the turn do you think? or is it beacause i feel i know him as he has been around me for a few days strutting his stuff flexing his muscles i think he wants me too?as he keeps asking me to clean his bucket out!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW WHAT HE REALLY MEANS Mmmmmmmmm hot sexy man in a wig Oooooooo how my heart sings out for this drag act kinda gone wrong am i wrong to Love him?

thank you Rubbery man X

 

[oldish hippy]

well at least learnt one thing isafe around mothman cause i over 50 lol

 

[Rubbertramp]

Dear Rubbertramp today i was shown a video on youtube of a man dressed as a woman:tongue: now all im thinking about is this strange but rather exciting male form, his legs where amazing his sexy dancing made my heart go BOOM BOOM BOOM! he is a man in his 50s is he too old for me,,,am i on the turn do you think? or is it beacause i feel i know him as he has been around me for a few days strutting his stuff flexing his muscles i think he wants me too?as he keeps asking me to clean his bucket out!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW WHAT HE REALLY MEANS Mmmmmmmmm hot sexy man in a wig Oooooooo how my heart sings out for this drag act kinda gone wrong am i wrong to Love him?

thank you Rubbery man X

Dear Mothman
I see from your address that you live in the great big metropolis that is Birmingham, and therein lies your problem I'm afraid. It's not that there is anything wrong with Brum in itself... I'm sure it is a fine city. Your difficulty, I think, lies with your basic misunderstanding of the English language.
I'm told this is a common problem among fluent Yam-Yam speakers and one that often gets them into trouble. When this man was saying "Particularly nasty weather" to you he was not asking you to tickle his arse with a feather! Just as when you ask him if "Yo win a kipper tie?" the last thing he is expecting is a cup of tea.

My advice to you would be to embark on a short course in elocution, forget the drag queens and carry on loving your wonderful family.

Warm up exercises: for elocution, accent reduction, public speaking - YouTube

PS Drag queens are well known sexual deviants and pose great danger to vulnerable forty-something men such as yourself. They can lurk anywhere and at any time...why, there may even be one camped outside your house at this very moment. So beware!

 

[oldish hippy]

dearest rt

why cant i find my whos awake post i have tried using six inch nail sky hokks to hold of it and spend a few hour on here looking for it by the time i find it it iis to late to see whos awake as it is my bedtime do you think i should give up looking or perserve with the fruitless search as i think it floated off into the ether

 

[Mothman]

Hi Oldish hippy beware of the Mothballs,,, i might learn to love the older man:heart::heart::heart: lol


Mothballs,,,,,,,,

well at least learnt one thing isafe around mothman cause i over 50 lol

 

[Mothman]

Oooooooo hello My Dearest Rubery one thank you for your reply,, i think i must of got the wrong end of this mans big Stick then he has been so nice to me too,,, i think you may be right i have been talkin all dat bad ass gheto style brummy talk to him and ive been getting strang answers back,,,,,,,,,, ive really embarassed myself i mean i have been flirting with him wildly & all along he has been either knowingly leading me a merry dance or he does infact like me too:heart::heart::heart: Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dam this hearbreak of mine oh the pain of it all im such a flipping Yam Yam fool dont you know!!!!!!!!! so none of his man love for me then Doh!!!!!!!!!!!! Goodbye my lovely workman GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh ps that man that has been camped out front of my house seems a strange one for sure,, you know he comes to work wearing womens tights,,,, he says its a old builders trick to keep his legs warm,, but he came just in tights no trousers just tights:scared: raving if you ask me:mad1:

This was him day 1 he caught his tights on a nail:tongue:

Mothman,,,,,

 

[oldish hippy]

i know the area you live in quite well yam have to beware of the black country cowboys on the wumpty if yow not carefull uyl end up at steelhouse