Mental health

[daisymini]

Not sure how to start this, but...here goes
When you spend a lifetime of putting a brave face on, getting on with things, never showing a weakness I guess something has to give at some point...
I think mine is now,
I'm finding I don't know anymore how I should feel?
Should I be sad I've lost my husband who wasn't the greatest but I guess I must haveI loved him?
Am I angry I feel I wasted 15 years of marriage?
Am I just angry because I've been disabled all my life and I've just settled for what was easy?
Am I angry at myself for never achieving my potential taking the easy way?
Why did life always seem better on the other side but never was?
Why did everybody around me seem to get it right and I always got it so wrong?
Why is everyday a battle with my conscience?
Why have I never learnt to love myself?
Why have I not learnt that drink is the root of my evil, it makes me into somebody I do not recognise!

This is a small snapshot of the many questions I battle with myself the minute I wake up.

I know Nobody can answer them but myself......

I hang onto the fact I think I I'm a happy person at heart and I'll come out the other side eventually.


I was just about to post above then realised that is the biggest self pitying drivel that should have been kept to myself but for those who know me I just wanted you to have an insight to what's behind the smile

 

[oldish hippy]

mental health is a battle

 

[trixie88]

hi. sue.

so sorry you are feeling this way....

don't forget you may still be going thru the grieving process which takes many forms for different people.

I think lots of us go thru life thinking the grass is greener on the other side. if we all threw our problems into the middle ...would we pick out another persons problem...or would we choose our own??????

you are a great inspiration to many......you are a bubbly friendly and a great personality.

keep strong sue....you will get there.......don't be too hard on yourself.
sincerely hope you will feel better soon...

take care, cos we care. trixiexxx

 

[mistericeman]

Welcome to a mostly invisible group.....

Days of struggling to find a reason to get up in the morning... Let alone frequent visits and long walks with "the black dog"

I've learnt to recognise the signs and to just try to ride the rollercoaster when it happens, always with the though that at some, point you'll be landing back at the entry/exit point and gain jump off for a spell.

Happiest when away with the dogs in the van by the sea (seems to settle me somehow)

Not sure if any of that makes sense.... BUT try to remember your never alone....
And as, long as you have recognised it.... You can 'deal' with IT.

 

[The laird]

SUE,FROM WHAT I KNOW OF YOU I THINK YOU ARE A BRAVE AND VERY VERY SPECIAL PERSON,I /we see you as a very strong and courageous girl,I know others and myself admire you and this must have been very hard to post.

 

[Robmac]

You've been through the mill Sue, life often deals cruel blows to those who deserve it least.

You are still one of the most respected and admired people in this community so take some comfort from that.

The day you stop smiling, I'm gonna run for the hills! x

 

[daisymini]

Welcome to a mostly invisible group.....

Days of struggling to find a reason to get up in the morning... Let alone frequent visits and long walks with "the black dog"

I've learnt to recognise the signs and to just try to ride the rollercoaster when it happens, always with the though that at some, point you'll be landing back at the entry/exit point and gain jump off for a spell.

Happiest when away with the dogs in the van by the sea (seems to settle me somehow)

Not sure if any of that makes sense.... BUT try to remember your never alone....
And as, long as you have recognised it.... You can 'deal' with IT.

I normally keep everything to myself put on my smile and battle through, I never share my thoughts in my head as a rule and certainly never this public! But I feel for the friends that know me on here needed a little explanation of my recent behaviour and lack of contact

 

[st3v3]

I don't have a clue how to help Sue, but I just wish you all the best.

Have you spoken to anyone professional about it all?

Louise typing: Try to remember that other peoples lives may look all rosy but many are also hiding behind their own smiles. It is also often easier to focus on the negative things when what we should try to do is start focusing on the good things and stuff that has gone well. There are often more of these things than we realise when we start to really think about it.

 

[mistericeman]

I normally keep everything to myself put on my smile and battle through, I never share my thoughts in my head as a rule and certainly never this public! But I feel for the friends that know me on here needed a little explanation of my recent behaviour and lack of contact

Same here as far as keeping things to myself... BUT do you know what...
Sometimes the relative remote Ness of forums can be a blessing

Those of us that 'live' with it on a daily basis.... Understand (as much as, any of us 'understand' it,
We all try to find ways to deal with it enough to function....

Just try to remember you are VERY much amongst friends on here... And that is worth a heap IMHO.

 

[trevskoda]

I normally keep everything to myself put on my smile and battle through, I never share my thoughts in my head as a rule and certainly never this public! But I feel for the friends that know me on here needed a little explanation of my recent behaviour and lack of contact

Daisy dont panic ,i have studied many books and observe folk and i can tell nearly all including me hide behind a mask in our lives sometime unknowingly.
Some you may easy spot,very tidy clean house but muddled head,nice girl with lots of makup,again a mask,men or woman overdoing sport which is a form of hiding,chap always telling jokes at work,well he has no confidence but this keeps other folk from twiking on etc,comedions fall into this bracket.
So all in all you are not alone and no differant from other folk,if things do get to much please do seek pro help rather than just sit on it.

 

[daisymini]

I don't have a clue how to help Sue, but I just wish you all the best.

Have you spoken to anyone professional about it all?

Louise typing: Try to remember that other peoples lives may look all rosy but many are also hiding behind their own smiles. It is also often easier to focus on the negative things when what we should try to do is start focusing on the good things and stuff that has gone well. There are often more of these things than we realise when we start to really think about it.

I actually studied to be a councillor and did my first year, my tutor wanted me to continue ...I'm looking for an answer why I didn't! To be truthful I didn't believe in it then but I certainly do now.

 

[delicagirl]

Gosh how brave - thank you for posting this... i know you will have rung a bell/struck a chord with many folks in this community. i really associate with many of your thoughts and anxieties.

the most important change i made that saved me from the savage black dog was a decision to stop using alcohol for a while. i made that easy for myself because i vowed when i first got the van not to drink alcohol when out in it. Its not till we are free from alcohol (on a regular basis) that we recognise how crooked our thinking becomes when our bodies are immersed in it.

I also found huge solace in trips to the coast and wilderness. The quiet and calm of mountains made me stop, relax, sit, do nothing, rest, read, and chill.....

But each of us finds our serenity in our own special way.

Reaching out, like you have done, is the first most difficult step on the road to getting life back into perspective.

I am not widowed - but i have been alone for a long time... i found it VERY easy to become too introspective and i used to assume everyone was having fun when i was not.....

Take it steady ... take each hour as it arrives... and eat well, do a little walking, (or whatever you like) to get your body out of its slow sad state and very best wishes.... x

 

[st3v3]

I'm looking for an answer why I didn't!

It just wasn't right at the time. Get yourself on your feet and get back to it - you'd have an amazing experience to pass on to others...

 

[delicagirl]

I actually studied to be a councillor and did my first year, my tutor wanted me to continue ...I'm looking for an answer why I didn't! To be truthful I didn't believe in it then but I certainly do now.

Cruse Bereavement Care | - maybe a group like this could help also.... and not as expensive as Counsellors?

 

[daisymini]

Gosh how brave - thank you for posting this... i know you will have rung a bell/struck a chord with many folks in this community. i really associate with many of your thoughts and anxieties.

the most important change i made that saved me from the savage black dog was a decision to stop using alcohol for a while. i made that easy for myself because i vowed when i first got the van not to drink alcohol when out in it. Its not till we are free from alcohol (on a regular basis) that we recognise how crooked our thinking becomes when our bodies are immersed in it.

I also found huge solace in trips to the coast and wilderness. The quiet and calm of mountains made me stop, relax, sit, do nothing, rest, read, and chill.....

But each of us finds our serenity in our own special way.

Reaching out, like you have done, is the first most difficult step on the road to getting life back into perspective.

I am not widowed - but i have been alone for a long time... i found it VERY easy to become too introspective and i used to assume everyone was having fun when i was not.....

Take it steady ... take each hour as it arrives... and eat well, do a little walking, (or whatever you like) to get your body out of its slow sad state and very best wishes.... x

You make a valid point in my life....I may appear confident but actually the reverse would be true, I am shy and insignificant without a drink, I find confidence to feel ( normal?) only with drink? I've spent a lifetime relying on that to make me what I am. i don't think I would have married BOTH my husbands if I had been sober lol. (OMG looking at this printed text looks sad lol)
I just wish I could find the same happy silly confident person without the demon

 

[yorkieowl]

Sue you've really struck a chord, I always took you as always bubbly and never letting life get you down, I should have know better than to judge a book by its cover. Its amazing how much you can hid your true feelings, even from the closest people around you, although I bet they know something is amiss. One thing I did learn was, have no regrets, you cannot change what is in the past, so live each day as it comes, or each hour if its really hard, don't think people expect anything from you, most don't, and if they do then bin 'em off, and most important, as you are probably learning from this thread, folks do care and having a good listener helps no end. As someone said life after bereavement takes many forms, and different time periods for different folks, do see a counsellor, they don't judge. Take care. xx

 

[Boots]

Hi Daisymini,

We don’t know each other having never met or even posted onto the same topic, as far as I know.

I can assure you that your thoughts/fears are experienced by many many people who like yourself do their best, and get on with life as you are doing in a quiet and purposeful manner.

Not all have the courage to express themselves to others or in such a public way as you have done.

I think that by tomorrow you will look back at what your friends and forum members have said and what you posted and I will guarantee that you will feel better for having done so.

Then you wil think to yourself ‘that’s better’ and move on more positively than before.


Take care, have fun!


Boots

 

[delicagirl]

You make a valid point in my life....I may appear confident but actually the reverse would be true, I am shy and insignificant without a drink, I find confidence to feel ( normal?) only with drink? I've spent a lifetime relying on that to make me what I am. i don't think I would have married BOTH my husbands if I had been sober lol. (OMG looking at this printed text looks sad lol)
I just wish I could find the same happy silly confident person without the demon

The happy silly confident person IS you - she is just hidden away as a mean of self-protection for a while... have faith - you will find a way - you will... Expressing the intent, as you have done here, is the first step.

Postpone the first drink a little later each time..... you have to focus on it to face it and change it..... but i have no doubt you can do it....

i married an idiot drinker when i was SOBER !!!!! :idea::idea:

 

[izwozral]

Others have a better understanding than I of what you are going through Sue, so really this is just to send you a massive hug [[[[[[]]]]]. You are very brave to bare your soul like this, hopefully, this will be the first step to finding inner peace.

[[[[[]]]] Love and best wishes to you brave lady.

 

[REC]

Sue, haven't met you but you seem like many (? most) people as you show one face to the world and struggle inside. Sometimes it is so much worse than others, you are over the first hurdle by admitting how you feel. Hopefully you will be able to be more open with some people in the future if you are having a bad day. But don't beat yourself up over the past....it is past and situations were different. It is very hard to move on but, as others have said, you are a lovely person who gives a lot to others. Be kind to yourself.