Dear Rubbertramp

[David & Ann]

Dear Arthur
I can entirely relate to this problem you have with Starlings. I myself have suffered from this problem and it does seem to get worse at this time of year as the autumn arrives and native flocks are joined by many southern European spieces. I'm afraid there is very little you can do to alleviate this condition. Cut down on the Old Speckled Hen perhaps?
Concerning your slack bowel movement during unconciousness I would recommend a course of pelvic floor exercises. This can increase control of the muscles in that area and allow you to clench more effectively....even while you are asleep! A pleasantly surprising side effect of these exercises can be an emormously improved sex life. I have provided a link which you may find helpful.

Pelvic floor exercises

RT, Just Brilliant☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺ The NHS would really love to employ you. Cameron, take note, this man needs employment as he is a great asset to GB☺☺☺

 

[David & Ann]

There are 10070 Members on WC. Seems like I am the only one without a problem, at the moment. Atleast i know where to come.

 

[Rubbertramp]

Dear Rubbertramp,I have a problem pooing after I have raided the chicken hut.... The Kentucky cardboard boxes get stuck.... Sometimes the bones get stuck in my tummy and hurt when I run around while chasing my mate with the intention of mounting her.... Then to top it all.... after I have had my not so evil way.... my fur gets sticky....
To make matters worse, the feathers tickle my throat and when they go up my nose, they make me sneeze.... and my eyes water....
Can you help me....?

Dear Basil
It is obvious to me that the solution to your problem lies in the personal hygene habits of a certain Mr Derek....or whoever seems to have his arm stuck up your rectum these days. As a personal friend of mine, I know David Nixon would never have allowed himself to become contaminated in such a way. I can indeed vouch for that as he often used to try out his magic tricks on me before performing them on stage....Pulling the rabbit out of the....... hat?....Oh dear! I have been a fool haven't I?
BOOM BOOM!

 

[Deleted member 13543]

Dear RT,

I am STILL here on the loo, wondering whether to go for 2 sheets or three?? Derek keeps banging on the door, and appears to be getting desperate, so an answer at your earliest convenience would be much appreciated!!

KP x x

 

[David & Ann]

Dear RT,

I am STILL here on the loo, wondering whether to go for 2 sheets or three?? Derek keeps banging on the door, and appears to be getting desperate, so an answer at your earliest convenience would be much appreciated!!

KP x x

KP, May i jump onto the band wagon. If you don't get a reply from RT by the time you finish, do as the Indians do, use a bowl of water. Make sure you use your left hand as you need the right hand to eat. ☺☺☺

 

[Deleted member 13543]

KP, May i jump onto the band wagon. If you don't get a reply from RT by the time you finish, do as the Indians do, use a bowl of water. Make sure you use your left hand as you need the right hand to eat. ☺☺☺

Thanks for that, David and Ann, but as I can't tell right from left, this could lead to unfortunate consequences, depending on what I was eating!!! Looks like I shall just have to wait for RT's reply. I wish he would hurry up, as Derek has started howling outside the toilet door, and I have read MMM from cover to cover 3 times already!!

KP x x

 

[David & Ann]

Thanks for that, David and Ann, but as I can't tell right from left, this could lead to unfortunate consequences, depending on what I was eating!!! Looks like I shall just have to wait for RT's reply. I wish he would hurry up, as Derek has started howling outside the toilet door, and I have read MMM from cover to cover 3 times already!!

KP x x

Use your MMM in case of emergency. RT's gone to lunch, wont be back for a couple of hours ( setting like cement comes to mind ☺☺☺)

 

[Rubbertramp]

Dear rubbertramp,
My partner, Jackie, said she is leaving me if I don't improve. She said I'm lazy, feckless, untrustworthy and I do nothing around the house. She said I am slovenly, dirty and have some disgusting habits. She told me she stopped ironing my clothes a month ago and That I hadn't even noticed.
What is ironing?
Jim

Dear Jim
I believe that "ironing" is an activity performed by blacksmiths and other metalworkers to help them in their chosen occupation.
My opinion is that your partner is just making an empty threat. If I were you I would call her bluff. Being lazy, feckless and untrusworthy is what men do. It is completely normal behavior for our gender, just as ironing, hoovering, talking and shopping for shoes is completely normal for the female of the species and is to be expected. I have included a link which Jackie may find helpful to make her conventional lifestyle a bit more exiting.

Extreme Ironing - YouTube

 

[Rubbertramp]

Dear RT,

I never got my dilemma published in the SUN so hopefully you can help / assist;

During the War, I escaped from Singapore via the sewerage systems I had the advantage of being a little over 5 ft in height.

However upon my escape I met a Japanese soldier who was fed up and making his way back to Japan to see his wife and children .

Interestingly despite the language barriers,, we didnt attempt to kill each other indeed sat and shared a sandwich


My question is this ...Should I try to re contact him ? or;;;;;;;;;;;;;; weree we just two nips passing in the Shyte ?
Channa

Dear Channa
This dilemma of yours is obviously far too intellectual for publication in a rag like The Sun. I'm no expert on matters journalistic as I had my brain poisoned some years ago whilst reading the Hitler diaries serialised in the then recently Rupert Murdoch acquired Times newspaper. If you really wanted your problem to be tackled by the tabloid press my advice to you would be to provide your mobile phone number in a covering letter when you write to them. Then change the PIN number that you use to access your answerphone messages to something easily remembered for a gutter press hack....like 1234 or 3333? This will guarantee publication. You could even end up being on TV as a star witness to the Leveson Inquiry.

PS are you the one who is putting up all those height barriers?....I think we should be told

 

[bopper]

My friend 'Harry' (Who is a farmer). Has had a very strong letter from the Department of Work and Pensions saying that they have good reason to believe that he is paying his workers less than the minimum wage. He has replied to them and stated that his farm hand gets £250 per week and a rent free cottage. He also stated that the housekeeper has a wage of £200 per week and full board and lodgings. But there's a half wit who only gets £25 per week a few pints of beer and now and again sleeps with his missus. They have now asked to interview the half wit..... should he own up it's him?

 

[Rubbertramp]

Dear RT,

I have a problem of my own, and I am sure I am not alone in this! I am convinced that the length of the sheets on a toilet roll is getting SHORTER?? There may apparently be MORE of them on the roll, but when I go to tear off my usual 2 sheets, I find myself in the 2 1/2 sheet region. This leaves me with the dilemna of using an extra sheet, or going short. I am uncertain what to do; should I go for 2 or 3?? Or mayb behave like a TRUE Wildcamper, and switch to dock leaves??

Yours desparately,

KP x x

(An early answer would be appreciated otherwise I shall be stuck in the toilet for ages, wondering which to go for!!

Dear KP
Two sheets!....good grief...how on earth do you keep your hands clean? Being one who is determined never to wash one's hands after a number 2....a habit I had thrashed into me as a child.....I have to use at least fifteen. It goes completely against the grain (and that's the beauty of it!) but if you are really determined to wean yourself off this extra sheet I would recommend using Izal medicated loo paper as an aid..... but, be warned! Using Izal can be painful....
... but quite pleasant in certain circumstances....I remember looking forward to visits to my grandparent's when I was a child, my sisters and I suffered terribly from worms and rubbing with our Nan's Izal would be a terrific relief!
Start off by employing four or five sheets scrunched up into a ball to vigourously rub the contaminated region. As said, this will cause extreme pain but the next time you come to use this torture you will be happy to use one sheet less and so on until the desired number of leaves are reached. If your bowel movements are regular you should be back to two sheets in no time at all.

PS As a dedicated wild camper I do indeed use dock leaves...but it is important not to confuse the Dock with the very similar Wild Horseradish...it can be a little shall we say......well Johnny Cash recorded a song about it.

Izal Medicated Strong Toilet Paper Reviews - Household Products | dooyoo.co.uk

 

[Rubbertramp]

My friend 'Harry' (Who is a farmer). Has had a very strong letter from the Department of Work and Pensions saying that they have good reason to believe that he is paying his workers less than the minimum wage. He has replied to them and stated that his farm hand gets £250 per week and a rent free cottage. He also stated that the housekeeper has a wage of £200 per week and full board and lodgings. But there's a half wit who only gets £25 per week a few pints of beer and now and again sleeps with his missus. They have now asked to interview the half wit..... should he own up it's him?

Dear Bopper
...or is it Harry?...don't worry, your secret is safe with me. I'm not an expert on employment law but I do know that many government depatrments are staffed by incompetent buffoons, or half wits as you yourself might like to call them. Is your "friend" a dairy farmer? If so, one way around this problem may be to get him to increase his milk quota by purchasing extra land. In doing this he can easily divert the extra income into the half wit's pocket via cash inside a plain brown envelope or some such. This should bump up his salary to the minimum wage and you...sorry, the farmer.... could then write to the Dept of Work and Pensions to inform them that all is now well and he no longer needs their help. Such a letter will confuse them enormously, so much so that it will be placed in the pending tray never to see the light of day for at least another 25 years. Harry could then carry on as normal and even use his extra income for a few more pints!

CC HM Revenue and Customs......for training purposes only.

 

[MOS]

Dear RT
Thank heavens you have started this thread ,now i have somone to share my hopes and fears with .
My question is should i or shouldent i ,will i regret it if i do ,will i regret it more if i dont ,if i do and it goes wrong can i rewind to a point thay it got out of hand ,or will that just create friction between us ,if i dont do it will i be letting my petty predjudices rule my life ,doing it could meen i am hooked into a cycle of habbitualy doing it for the rest of my life and so changing my whole outlook towards it ,not doing it would undoubtably keep it as a special thaught which i can think about in times of woe ,its not fair that such hard decisions should be thrust upon us ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Oh bu**er it ime going to do it i dont care what the neighbours say ,i dont care that the eco system will suffer ,But should i find somewhere to do it thats nice and warm or should i be brave and do it outside for all to see in the freezing wind and risk the chill on my delicate flesh .
the turmoil is ruining my sunday afternoon ,please help me RT its not an easy time for me what with the remote broken and only half a bottle of beer left by my chair:help:

sod it no ime not doing it it will spoil it forever ,it will be just another rutine thing in my dull boring life that has no mystrey left .its the only thing that sets me apart from the other folks around here ,and its the only bit of my life that i can decide for myself

Help RT tell me weather to wash the camper or not !!

 

[Rubbertramp]

Dear RT
Thank heavens you have started this thread ,now i have somone to share my hopes and fears with .
My question is should i or shouldent i ,will i regret it if i do ,will i regret it more if i dont ,if i do and it goes wrong can i rewind to a point thay it got out of hand ,or will that just create friction between us ,if i dont do it will i be letting my petty predjudices rule my life ,doing it could meen i am hooked into a cycle of habbitualy doing it for the rest of my life and so changing my whole outlook towards it ,not doing it would undoubtably keep it as a special thaught which i can think about in times of woe ,its not fair that such hard decisions should be thrust upon us ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Oh bu**er it ime going to do it i dont care what the neighbours say ,i dont care that the eco system will suffer ,But should i find somewhere to do it thats nice and warm or should i be brave and do it outside for all to see in the freezing wind and risk the chill on my delicate flesh .
the turmoil is ruining my sunday afternoon ,please help me RT its not an easy time for me what with the remote broken and only half a bottle of beer left by my chair:help:

sod it no ime not doing it it will spoil it forever ,it will be just another rutine thing in my dull boring life that has no mystrey left .its the only thing that sets me apart from the other folks around here ,and its the only bit of my life that i can decide for myself

Help RT tell me weather to wash the camper or not !!

Dear MOS
Calm down dear! Now finish off the rest of that beer, light yourself a spliff and just relax.
As said in the original post I know next to nothing about campers and even less about washing. Indulging in a new activity such as washing your camper can result in it becoming an obsession though. So beware! You may end up becoming like this man...... Car Washing & Drying using 2 Bucket Method - Car Care Products - YouTube ..... and having to eventually seek medical treatment through a course of drugs, surgery or even worse, rehab treatment!:scared:
My advice would be to let nature take its course and leave your camper dirty.... it may even make mine look nice if it's ever parked close by. If human beings were meant to keep themselves clean we would instinctively be licking each other with our tongues all of the time, just like cats do.....Which reminds me.....Here pussy pussy.....

 

[Rubbertramp]

Dear Rubber Tramp

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my Motorhome! Do you think the RAC might be a better bet?

Dear Barry
Whatever you do, don't touch the RAC with a barge-pole. They provide something called "breakdown cover". I've suffered many breakdowns in my life and covering them up is something you definitely DO NOT want to do. Talk it over with a friend or loved one, even better, share your worries with people who have suffered in a similar way. Join a self help group, get it all out in the open....I promise you ...you are not going crazy.
My personal preference would for sure be the "roadshide ashishtance":cheers: provided by the AA....

PS shorry I couldn get back tchya earlier....I wasghh on a fallout....hic...oopsh..I mean a callout!

 

[ourglenard]

Dear Auntie RT;
My problem is this:- I was gonna bring ALCOHOL to the 'Henge Meet next W/E but after reading this thread, I've realised that plain ol' booze will be WAY in-sufficient for you lot!!!!!!
HELP!!! What do I bring instead? Ethanol? Horse Tranquillisers?... Please help as I don't want to look like a 'Lightweight'!..........

 

[Rubbertramp]

Dear Auntie RT;
My problem is this:- I was gonna bring ALCOHOL to the 'Henge Meet next W/E but after reading this thread, I've realised that plain ol' booze will be WAY in-sufficient for you lot!!!!!!
HELP!!! What do I bring instead? Ethanol? Horse Tranquillisers?... Please help as I don't want to look like a 'Lightweight'!..........

Dear Glen
Yes yes yes!! Please bring all of the above. The tranquillisers are only for my Ned though, you understand?...He gets a bit exited at the thought of being so close to a World Heritage Site. I'd bring some myself, only since I.....I mean Ned started biting the vet....well he won't give me any more.
I remember many years ago during my RAF days we would be camped out in the Black Forest in Germany for three weeks at a time processing all the aerial photography for our Harrier squadron. To relieve the boredom sometimes we used to sneak out some of the Methylated spirit used to dry the film. It was laced with coke.....or was the coke laced with Meths? Must have been the former or I would have remembered! It would be nice if you could bring some of that too.

PS I believe Firefox will have some whisky.....now that's what I call lightweight!

 

[kimbowbill]

I have moved your...... "Column" to the travellers rest.


BTW I have seen KBB and she really is 20 stone!

Just a stone below you Phil lol

 

[Admin]

Just a stone below you Phil lol

No 3 stone below

But you are lovely (for an escort)

 

[kimbowbill]

No 3 stone below

But you are lovely (for an escort)

:lol-049:, innit great to have a good laugh with each other, :wacko: