Dear Rubbertramp

Rubbertramp

Guest
:idea:As suggested on another thread I've decided to to become this site's agony aunt....or is it uncle? Anyway please feel free to ask me about your personal problems. I feel I may be expert at relationship counseling :heart:..having had many failed relationships in the past. Bodily funtions I particularly specialise in.... having had a lifetime's experience in trumping and the successful deliveries of No 1's and No 2's in all manner of places.:rolleyes2:
I will do my best to offer a ridiculous and unbalanced point of view.
All replies will, of course be strictly confidential (smirk);)

Yours in anticipation
Rubbertramp

PS I know next to nothing about Motorhomes....except that I've got one and it works.
 
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boyfriend problems

Dear rubbertramp

I'm not sure what my boyfriend wants from me, we have been together now for 6 months, we met online 6 months ago, we had never met in the flesh until last week, the thing is, i wasn't totally honest with him about...... how i look, i sent him a photo of a beautiful young lady but he said it wouldnt matter if i looked like ten tonne tessa, he would still love me, (i am currently 20 stone) we continued to chat and fell in love, anyway, he lives in South Africa, he is a very wealthy man but has had a few problems lately so i sent him some money, he will pay me back, i trust him, i keep digressing, anyway he has come here to marry me, because he loves me you know.

I came home the other night and there was a very slim young lady in my house, she had got suspenders and stockings on, thigh length boots, and was holding a whip, my BF was laid on the floor naked, of course i wasnt happy but he said he had fell asleep on the floor and i had woke him up, she said she was in the wrong house, made her appologies and went, well i trust him, that was ok. The next night i came in from working a 12 hour shift and there were two women in the house, dressed very similar, they made their excuses and ran off, i think he is dropping hints dont you?, i think he wants me to dress up like that, what do you think? please help, do you know of any xxxxxxxxllllllll shops that might stock this type of clothing?

Ps, he is insisting he doesn't want me to wear them , but i know he is embarrassed and really does, because he loves me plz help
 
basildog said:
You would be about as much good as an agony aunt as a chocolate firegaurd !!!!! lmao
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Dear Basildog
I'm sorry that my expertise doesn't cover the problems you are experiencing with your Swift Motorhome's cloaking device. Please see "Motorhome Knowledge Base" in the forum tab at the top of the page.
 
kimbowbill said:
Dear rubbertramp

I'm not sure what my boyfriend wants from me, we have been together now for 6 months, we met online 6 months ago, we had never met in the flesh until last week, the thing is, i wasn't totally honest with him about...... how i look, i sent him a photo of a beautiful young lady but he said it wouldnt matter if i looked like ten tonne tessa, he would still love me, (i am currently 20 stone) we continued to chat and fell in love, anyway, he lives in South Africa, he is a very wealthy man but has had a few problems lately so i sent him some money, he will pay me back, i trust him, i keep digressing, anyway he has come here to marry me, because he loves me you know.

I came home the other night and there was a very slim young lady in my house, she had got suspenders and stockings on, thigh length boots, and was holding a whip, my BF was laid on the floor naked, of course i wasnt happy but he said he had fell asleep on the floor and i had woke him up, she said she was in the wrong house, made her appologies and went, well i trust him, that was ok. The next night i came in from working a 12 hour shift and there were two women in the house, dressed very similar, they made their excuses and ran off, i think he is dropping hints dont you?, i think he wants me to dress up like that, what do you think? please help, do you know of any xxxxxxxxllllllll shops that might stock this type of clothing?

Ps, he is insisting he doesn't want me to wear them , but i know he is embarrassed and really does, because he loves me plz help
Click to expand...

Dear Kimbowbill
I am certain that you have here a very firm base for a long term loving relationship. Don't worry about the money you lent him....If he was Nigerian then you might need to fret a bit....I have known many South Africans in my time and none of them have short changed me at the bar.
Similarly, you have no need to worry about the scantily clad young ladies regularly frequenting your home. This is quite normal. They are attending to his needs in their own special way...as you fulfill his needs in your own special way....you can cook, can't you?
If you really do want to dress-up for him I would highly reccommend Millets or Go Outdoors for their wide range of canvas camping gear...if you get my drift?
Good luck..I've a feeling you might need it!
 
Rubbertramp said:
Dear Kimbowbill
I am certain that you have here a very firm base for a long term loving relationship. Don't worry about the money you lent him....If he was Nigerian then you might need to fret a bit....I have known many South Africans in my time and none of them have short changed me at the bar.
Similarly, you have no need to worry about the scantily clad young ladies regularly frequenting your home. This is quite normal. They are attending to his needs in their own special way...as you fulfill his needs in your own special way....you can cook, can't you?
If you really do want to dress-up for him I would highly reccommend Millets or Go Outdoors for their wide range of canvas camping gear...if you get my drift?
Good luck..I've a feeling you might need it!
Click to expand...

you have found your vocation RT
 
I have moved your...... "Column" to the travellers rest.


BTW I have seen KBB and she really is 20 stone!
 
Dear RT

Dear RT
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering Her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell Her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
 
dear doctor latex
i find this a little embarrassing but my problem is i have always had regular bowel movements !! 6am every morning on the dot like a flock of starlings hitting the bowl whoosh :rolleyes2: don't get me wrong i am still the same now,but i don't get up till 7.30am:scared:
 
Rubbertramp said:
:idea:As suggested on another thread I've decided to to become this site's agony aunt....or is it uncle? Anyway please feel free to ask me about your personal problems. I feel I may be expert at relationship counseling :heart:.Bodily funtions I particularly specialise in.... having had a lifetime's experience in trumping and the successful deliveries of No 1's and No 2's in all manner of places.:rolleyes2:
Yours in anticipation
Rubbertramp
Click to expand...

Dear Rubbertramp,I have a problem pooing after I have raided the chicken hut.... The Kentucky cardboard boxes get stuck....:cry: Sometimes the bones get stuck in my tummy and hurt when I run around while chasing my mate with the intention of mounting her....:cry: Then to top it all.... after I have had my not so evil way.... my fur gets sticky....
To make matters worse, the feathers tickle my throat and when they go up my nose, they make me sneeze.... and my eyes water....:cry:
Can you help me....?
 
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Dear rubbertramp,
My partner, Jackie, said she is leaving me if I don't improve. She said I'm lazy, feckless, untrustworthy and I do nothing around the house. She said I am slovenly, dirty and have some disgusting habits. She told me she stopped ironing my clothes a month ago and That I hadn't even noticed.
What is ironing?
Jim
 
Rubbertramp said:
:idea:As suggested on another thread I've decided to to become this site's agony aunt....or is it uncle? Anyway please feel free to ask me about your personal problems. I feel I may be expert at relationship counseling :heart:..having had many failed relationships. Bodily funtions I particularly specialise in.... having had a lifetime's experience in trumping and the successful deliveries of No 1's and No 2's in all manner of places.:rolleyes2:
I will do my best to offer a ridiculous and unbalanced point of view.

Yours in anticipation
Rubbertramp

PS I know next to nothing about Motorhomes....except that I've got one and it works.
Click to expand...

I recon I could be your assistant.:lol-053: Having had 5 wives and a few shorter engagements.
 
Dear RT,

I never got my dilemma published in the SUN so hopefully you can help / assist;

During the War, I escaped from Singapore via the sewerage systems I had the advantage of being a little over 5 ft in height.

However upon my escape I met a Japanese soldier who was fed up and making his way back to Japan to see his wife and children .

Interestingly despite the language barriers,, we didnt attempt to kill each other indeed sat and shared a sandwich


My question is this ...Should I try to re contact him ? or;;;;;;;;;;;;;; weree we just two nips passing in the Shyte ?
Channa
 
Beemer said:
Dear RT
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering Her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell Her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
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Dear Beemer,

I sympathise with your problem, as I have a brother who does work for Ginsters Pasties. This is NOT something to admit to when you live in Cornwall, unless you want to find yourself on the wrong side of the Tamar, so I am sorry to say I pretend to be an only child.

I would strongly suggest you do the same, as the knowledge you have a brother who works for Microsoft could ruin the relationship. There are some things that cannot be admitted to, and this is one of them. I think you are very brave to "come out" on the forum like you have. Perhaps if you told Bill Gates your brother was a mole for Apple and Linux, he would get the sack, and you would no longer have the problem??

KP x x
 
Dear RT,

I have a problem of my own, and I am sure I am not alone in this! I am convinced that the length of the sheets on a toilet roll is getting SHORTER?? There may apparently be MORE of them on the roll, but when I go to tear off my usual 2 sheets, I find myself in the 2 1/2 sheet region. This leaves me with the dilemna of using an extra sheet, or going short. I am uncertain what to do; should I go for 2 or 3?? Or mayb behave like a TRUE Wildcamper, and switch to dock leaves??

Yours desparately,

KP x x

(An early answer would be appreciated otherwise I shall be stuck in the toilet for ages, wondering which to go for!!
 
Beemer said:
Dear RT
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering Her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell Her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
Click to expand...

Dear Beemer
I must say that you seem to have led a rather dull life thus far. Under no circumstance tell your girlfriend about your brother's connection to Microsoft. This organisation has a terrible reputation for fueling the awful addictions to "information technology".... to use the street term....that we see in our society today. Be very careful! Other slang terms used within this disgraceful gang include "website", "virtual" "online" and "mouse". If you use these words in everyday conversation you are very likely to expose the shame that your brother has brought to your family.
"Online" is a very violent community and is to be avoided at all costs. In fact I know of one "website" where members innocently ask each other advice about various issues then end up asking everyone out to the carpark for a mass brawl!
I wish you all the best in your future relationship and hope that the insanity doesn't turn out to be hereditary.
 
kernowprickles said:
Dear Beemer,

I sympathise with your problem, as I have a brother who does work for Ginsters Pasties. This is NOT something to admit to when you live in Cornwall, unless you want to find yourself on the wrong side of the Tamar, so I am sorry to say I pretend to be an only child.

I would strongly suggest you do the same, as the knowledge you have a brother who works for Microsoft could ruin the relationship. There are some things that cannot be admitted to, and this is one of them. I think you are very brave to "come out" on the forum like you have. Perhaps if you told Bill Gates your brother was a mole for Apple and Linux, he would get the sack, and you would no longer have the problem??

KP x x
Click to expand...

Now I am confused. Who is the Agony Aunt KP? Is it RT or you? Or was you filling in while RT had the day off. (Now that I know what an Agony Aunt is, I am putting in my 2 bits☺☺☺)
 
Dear Rubber Tramp

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my Motorhome! Do you think the RAC might be a better bet?
 
Hi RT, I think KP is trying to railroad for your job. I would charge her for your advice.☺☺☺
 
Old_Arthur said:
dear doctor latex
i find this a little embarrassing but my problem is i have always had regular bowel movements !! 6am every morning on the dot like a flock of starlings hitting the bowl whoosh :rolleyes2: don't get me wrong i am still the same now,but i don't get up till 7.30am:scared:
Click to expand...

Dear Arthur
I can entirely relate to this problem you have with Starlings. I myself have suffered from this problem and it does seem to get worse at this time of year as the autumn arrives and native flocks are joined by many southern European spieces. I'm afraid there is very little you can do to alleviate this condition. Cut down on the Old Speckled Hen perhaps?
Concerning your slack bowel movement during unconciousness I would recommend a course of pelvic floor exercises. This can increase control of the muscles in that area and allow you to clench more effectively....even while you are asleep! A pleasantly surprising side effect of these exercises can be an emormously improved sex life. I have provided a link which you may find helpful.

Pelvic floor exercises
 
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