A true Scot.

[bigboack]

A Scottsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."



The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."



The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

[Deleted member 9215]

dont make you a bad person


dunk

 

[derekfaeberwick]

A Scottsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."



The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."



The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Is this your way of starting interest in bestial relationships that have an end result not unlike your potrait then?

The mind boggles!


A 2 legged friend, a 2 legged friend,he'll never let you down.

Until you try to saddle the 2 legged dumbsteward horseboy!!​

 

[Braighe]

A True Englishman

A Scottsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."



The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."



The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

 

[ajs]

A 2 legged friend, a 2 legged friend,he'll never let you down.

​

his do often... apparently ... friggin bushmillitis


regards
aj

 

[bigboack]

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

I agree with that being as im an Irishman. Had so many irishmen jokes thrown at me over the years.Water off a ducks back and all that.

 

[Davesport]

As the self appointed forum pedant & spellin korrector, I'd just like to point out you've spelled "Scotsman" wrong.....

D.

 

[foxyscot]

Talking about Irish men one was in his bed with his wife when the phone went at 3.30 in the morning he answers it, and angrily replies why dont you beat it and phone the weather office ! wife asks who was that ? paddy says some joker asking if the coast was clear

 

[bigboack]

Talking about Irish men one was in his bed with his wife when the phone went at 3.30 in the morning he answers it, and angrily replies why dont you beat it and phone the weather office ! wife asks who was that ? paddy says some joker asking if the coast was clear

yea yea heard em all before. bring em on

 

[stoneroller]

A Scottsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."



The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."



The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Did or did not Rolf Harris sing a song
tie a kangaroo down sport tie a kangaroo down,beastialitys great mate beastialitys great.
hhhhhmmmm i rest my case

 

[derekfaeberwick]

As the self appointed forum pedant & spellin korrector, I'd just like to point out you've spelled "Scotsman" wrong.....

D.

Naahhh, youh'e got a long way to go to be 'our ' pedant, that's Chinas job and he'll not give it up lightly!

 

[Channa]

Naahhh, youh'e got a long way to go to be 'our ' pedant, that's Chinas job and he'll not give it up lightly!

Aghh but seeing as in three weeks I shall not be here for 6 months or so...tis important one has a successor

Carry on that man.

Channa

 

[derekfaeberwick]

Not for the kiddies

yea yea heard em all before. bring em on

Welllll, you did say.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a Mass for the
poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And my favourite:

An elderly man walks into a confessional...

The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!!!"

 

[foxyscot]

looks like its Irish week,

at the scene of a car carsh paddys wife was left semi conscious police
arrive and ask paddy is you wife compus mentus ?
no said paddy she is only third party fire and theft,

 

[bigboack]

looks like its Irish week,

at the scene of a car carsh paddys wife was left semi conscious police
arrive and ask paddy is you wife compus mentus ?
no said paddy she is only third party fire and theft,

Well done foxyscot thats one i've not heard before.